Culture

The Internet Is Going Wild For Knickers, The Very Large Cow

We've done the maths on Knickers to find out how many patties he could make.

Knickers, the very big cow

If you’ve been on the internet this morning, you’ve probably seen some photos of Knickers, a seven-year-old cow from Perth who is… very, very big. Naturally, since photos of Knickers began going viral this morning, people have had a lot of questions.

According to PerthNow, Knickers the Holstein Friesian steer stands 1.94m tall and weighs 1.4 tonnes. You know what also weighs 1.4 tonnes? The 2012 Toyota Prius. This cow weighs literally as much as a five-door hybrid car, and that should humble you.

The Holstein Friesian is that breed of black-and-white dairy cow that you see on most bottles of milk. However, as Knickers is a neutered male, he instead acts as a mentor to the other cows on the farm, because it turns out even cows need some guidance in their lives.

How Big Is Knickers The Big Cow?

But with any big animal comes big questions, and we are all about the big questions. Thus we have sought out the answer to the most important question of all: How many burger patties are in the big cow?

As with any large task, eating a ridiculously large cow should be tackled by first breaking it down into smaller, more manageable parts.

Knickers weighs 1.4 tonnes, or 1400kg. According to iGrow a carcass weighs in at about 62-64 percent of the animal’s weight after the internal organs are removed. Splitting the difference, 63 percent of Knickers’ 1400kg bulk is 882kg. From that 882kg carcass, it will yield around 65 percent of that weight in boneless, trimmed beef — that’s 573.3kg.

The perfect burger patty weighs in at around 200g per an investigation by The New York Times, and I’m going to assume we are aiming for perfection. This majestic beast deserves nothing less. So, divide the 573.3kg of Knickers beef by 200g, and Knickers can create 2866 patties, with half a patty’s worth left over for a little slider.

Knickers the cow

Unfortunately, Knickers is unlikely to ever achieve his full potential. Speaking to PerthNow, Knickers’ owner Geoff Pearson shared a terrifying revelation concerning this supreme bovine being. Knickers is literally too big to kill.

“It was too heavy,” said Pearson to PerthNow, presumably whispered in a hidden corner where the gargantuan megafauna would not overhear. “I wouldn’t be able to put it through a processing facility.”

Knickers will instead peacefully live out the rest of his days on his farm in Myalup, south of Perth, teaching other cows how to be cows and marching ever onward toward his inevitable deification.

Knickers, we salute you.