“Kirk Died In 1767”: Predicting The Final Four Words Of ‘Gilmore Girls’

We've got a hunch.

It’s been confirmed that Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life, the highly-anticipated revival of the cult-favourite show, will end on a special four-word sentence. The story is that Amy Sherman-Palladino, the showrunner and creator, was kicked off the last series of the original run, after a series of disputes with the network. She then taunted the world by claiming she always knew how the series would end, with a simple four-word sentence, but that we’d never know what it was.

Considering how many people think season seven ended in a garbage-fire, there has been much speculation about what she envisioned, and how things could have been different if she’d remained in creative control. Here are some theories on what they might be.

1. “Go Away, Rory Gilmore!”

This will be said from a tearful, yet determined Lorelai as she throws stones at Rory, driving her out of the town Harry and the Hendersons style. While this might seem grim and dark, Lorelai has finally realised that her daughter has an unhealthy attachment to her, and the most adult thing she can do is actually drive her out and force her to live in the real world.

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“Go on, scat! Get out of here! We don’t want you anymore!” she says, and Rory slinks past the gazebo, whining and looking back with those big, trust-filled eyes.

2. “No Christopher, that’s hot!”

Once again, Lorelai yelling at somebody, this time millionaire man-child and father of her child, Christopher Hayden. In this scenario, he’s touching a hot stove, because nobody ever told him that he shouldn’t. I’m not sure exactly why it ends on this, but he’d be all red-faced and squally, his stupid fingers jammed into his mouth, sucking on his ouchie.

3. “Time to come home.”

After a penultimate scene as the entire town of Stars Hollow crown Lorelai and Rory as Town Princesses in the square, and everyone is applauding and congratulating them and it’s a beautiful winter night, Lorelai hears the above words boom through the room, and suddenly her consciousness is shattered, and she wakes up.

She is 16 again, and she’s curled up in the draughty stables of the ruin of the old Independence Inn, her newborn child cradled in her arms. A younger Emily Gilmore stands over her impatiently, snapping her perfectly manicured fingernails. “I can’t believe you ran off like that, honestly Lorelai, with a newborn baby too.” It’s all been a fever dream, a fond wish. As they drive back to Hartford, they pass by Stars Hollow, and Lorelai places her hand longingly against the cold window.

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“That town is very racist,” points out Emily.

4. “Kirk… died in 1767.”

Pretty sure if you watch Gilmore Girls the entire way through, Kirk never touches anyone, except Lulu, who also is clearly a ghost. The twist is that only Rory is surprised by this, everyone else basically knew it all along, or didn’t care either way. Luke is also a vampire from the Civil War. Nobody cares.

5. “Have one of mine.”

Lorelai and Luke are deeply in love, and despite Luke’s misgivings about raising a child (considering his first, April, was such a disappointment) and Lorelai’s vacillating about her relationship, it is decided that they will definitely have a child together. They get very excited, there are a lot of hijinks surrounding fertile periods. Luke gets flustered for comedic effect — but then, in the last episode, the doctor reveals that their anatomy is not compatible.

Back in town, a single tear inches down her face, as Luke pats her shoulder awkwardly. But out of the mist lurches Lane Kim. Since her first two children, the curse of fecundity has only increased for her, and children swarm her like she’s a big spider escaping a broom. She sees Lorelai’s despair, and picks up one of her brood by the foot and tosses it in her direction.

“Have one of mine,” she cries, before disappearing back into the town she was both born into, and will die in. Lorelai is happy again.

6. “The winner is… self-esteem.”

All of Rory’s suitors have gathered in the sitting room of the Gilmore estate, anxiously waiting for Rory to speak. Emily is there, and she is tense because she suspects Dean’s boots are muddy. She is also watching Jess as if he might steal something. Logan is comfortably reclining on the couch, Dean is awkwardly propped up near the fireplace, looking sooky like a big handsome baby, and Jess paces in an irritated fashion near the drinks cart.

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Lorelai has just done a speech, making her daughter’s love life all about her. After they have pursued Rory over the year, the boys have been gathered to hear the answer of who she shall marry. Rory is a fluttering butterfly as she recounts all the good points of each suitor (????) and manages to ignore how each of them are actually bad people — but in the end, she decides that she’s better than all of them. “The winner is… self-esteem,” she says, and rides a motorbike out the window.

7. “I worship Zorg now.”

Hey, they never said WHICH year it was. It’s 2047, and Earth has been conquered by an alien race, their supreme leader only known as Zorg, who demands to be feared and worshipped like a pagan god. Rory has sold out the human race, and worships him. Everyone is very excited about her prospects.

8. “Now we’re Gilmore WOMEN.”

After Rory accidentally kills Jackson after a high-spirited town meeting, Lorelai calls the only woman who she can be sure would have the poise to hide and dispose a dead body — Emily Gilmore. After slapping some sense into the panicking mother-daughter couple, she ties her hair up with a lovely silk scarf and drives them out into the wood. As Jackson’s body burns in the darkness, she turns to Lorelai and Rory and says, “Now we’re Gilmore WOMEN”. Fade down as they drive into the rising sun.

Patrick Lenton is a writer of theatre and fiction. He blogs at The Spontaneity Review and tweets inanity from @patricklenton.