All The Unintentionally Hilarious Things About ‘Justice League’
"27. Batman spends a portion of the third act wearing speed dealers."
After a decade of stops, starts, delays, and more controversies than anyone knew was humanly possible, Justice League is here and… it’s okay.
That’s pretty much it, really. It’s better than Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, but then again, most things are — including colonoscopies and in-grown hairs.
But besides that, the best parts of a mostly forgettable film are the parts when levity breaks through. Occasionally this is deliberate. There are some great team-building scenes that are anchored by the continually strong acting of Gal Gadot. But mostly, it’s unintentional — a symptom of a film with no tonal focus and a threadbare plot driving it.
As such, I present: every unintentionally hilarious moment during Justice League. Of course, there are spoilers.
1. Steppenwolf is such an non-threatening and unremarkable villain that if you replaced him with any major cinematic villain ever (including but not limited to The Avenger’s Loki, Batman and Robin’s Mister Freeze, or the evil businessman from any movie starring a dog) mid-way through, I wouldn’t have even noticed.
2. Both Cyborg (Ray Fisher) and Aquaman (Jason Momoa) use oddly inserted PoC vernacular like “Booyah!” as catchphrases. They are the only people of colour in this iteration of the Justice League.
3. The villain’s henchmen, the parademons, are so generic they could be replaced with the Putty Patrol from the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
4. This film deliberately repeats lines from the Batman v Superman as a type of callback between both films, but only serve to remind us of the bad film.
5. For the third time during this film series, we see references to Superman’s incredibly inauthentic and unbelievable funeral. Because really, after a decade of superhero films, we’ve all learned that heroes never die. Ever. Stop trying to make us think that Clark Kent did, DC. We don’t believe you.
6. The MacGuffin that everyone fights over, the “Mother Box”, is an amalgamation of MacGuffin clichés and is so generic it could be replaced with any “special, all powerful” item from any other blockbuster movie.
7. The Justice League use the same plot device that created the big baddie from the end of Batman v Superman to resurrect Superman.
8. Aquaman prepares to return to his home in Atlantis… by chugging a whole bottle of whiskey.
9. Ben Affleck’s Batman still talks, even casually, with a bizarre indecipherable growl.
10. Ben Affleck is so visibly bored with this film, this franchise, Batman, blockbuster films, and acting in general that I began to believe that every time he looked into the middle distance, he was instead eyeing off the nearest fire escape for a quick getaway.
Sure, you're tired, but you'll never be Ben Affleck trying to promote 'Justice League' tired pic.twitter.com/FXZwxPWgtx
— Cam Williams (@MrCamW) November 7, 2017
11. There are random quips and one-liners sprinkled in that don’t fit the tone of the film whatsoever, and were clearly part of the Joss Whedon-led reshoots. Nothing gets you out of a film’s suspension of disbelief quicker than hearing Ben Affleck growling his way through a jokey one-liner about bleeding.
12. Ezra Miller’s Flash is basically Sheldon Cooper.
13. Also, The Flash watches Rick and Morty and K-Pop music videos in his warehouse studio apartment with 10+ computer screens. The Flash definitely has a Twitter with an anime avatar, where he abuses women in the video gaming industry.
14. JK Simmons’ Commissioner Gordon gets two scenes.
15. There is a speed ramped scene that focuses on a missile shell falling behind the Batmobile. Batman, notably, vows to not use guns in the comics and generally accepted canon.
16. Jeremy Irons, as Batman’s butler Alfred, has a constant look on his face that can only be described as, “What did I do in a past life to end up in this mess?”
17. There’s a Wonder Woman fight scene early on in the film that features her saving a group of hostages from a London bank. While it is cool and expertly crafted, you could tell that it was shot during recent reshoots and has no relevance to the greater plot whatsoever.
18. Batman pilots a huge Mecha-Spider called the “Nightcrawler”. Aside from the stupidity of this vehicle in and of itself, the Superman film series has a notorious history with giant spiders.
19. Batman steals a gun from the enemy during the final fight then casually starts using it against everyone. Batman, notably, vows to not use guns in the comics and generally accepted canon.
20. The movie spends five scenes setting up a Save The Cat moment featuring a poor Russian family. You could tell this scene was shot during reshoots and has no relevance to the greater plot whatsoever.
21. Immediately after Saving this particular Cat, Superman is seen saving an entire building of civilians, as if to immediately downplay the hard work the film itself did.
22. Amy Adams, as Lois Lane, has a constant look on her face that can only be described as, “What did I do in a past life to end up in this mess?”
23. Amber Heard’s Mera gets one scene.
24. We still have no sense of the general geography of Gotham, Metropolis, and the greater United States area.
25. Henry Cavill’s photoshopped face (necessary to remove a moustache he grew for another film) is so painfully obvious it reaches uncanny valley levels of stupid.
JUSTICE LEAGUE EXEC: We can just CGI Henry Cavill’s mustache out it will be fine and not look weird at all
HENRY CAVILL: pic.twitter.com/Ag41j6LbPn
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) November 17, 2017
26. I saw this film the day before writing this and I’ve already forgotten how they beat Steppenwolf.
27. Batman spends a portion of the third act wearing speed dealers.
28. One of the final scenes features the entire Justice League looking out over a blossoming garden in a moment so staged it felt like fan-fiction.
29. One of the post-credits scenes is literally a reference to a Simpsons joke.
Justice League is in cinemas now.
Albert Santos is a Sydney writer. You can find them on Twitter here.