Have you ever noticed that Christmas movies tend to be kind of a bummer? That in celebrating the holiday spirit, they also like to remind you of the depravity of capitalism, the fragile nature of relationships and the steady decay of the human soul? 

Every week until Christmas we are going to watch a holiday movie that seems sweet and benign on the outside, but is secretly very cooked. This way, when you’re sitting around with your family or friends on Christmas Day, you can avoid these films and won’t have to confront your own mortality/discuss child labour laws at any point of the day.

Merry Christmas, or whatever! 

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Last week we watched The Holiday, this week we watched Home Alone 2: Lost In New York

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Sinead

Had you seen this film before?

Um, I grew up in the ’90s. What do you think?

Would you watch this film again?

Um, I grew up in the ’90s. What do you think?

What is it about this movie that is secretly cooked?

The thing about the Home Alone franchise is that everyone knows that it is explicitly cooked. The main theme of these films is a child being forgotten by his family (who all seem to despise each other) and essentially choosing to take his chances with two men who, hypothetically, are not morally opposed to slaughtering children, rather than hang out with his family. His family are worse than being maybe murdered.

It is secretly cooked in that when you think about Home Alone for more than 30 seconds — particularly Home Alone 2 — you realise that these Anglo Saxon nightmares are the most depressing characters in family movie history and no amount of shenanigans can distract you from that.

Were there any fun bits at all?

I mean, it’s all technically ‘fun’. But then you catch yourself laughing at a scene where two prison escapees plot to murder a child in Central Park and then you start choking on your laugh, and then you start crying, and then Christmas is ruined.

Which cooked scene in this film will haunt you for many Christmases to come?

The goddamn pigeon lady. That goddamn scary, lonely pigeon lady. That shit was so incredibly depressing. You think her situation was automatically fixed because Kevin said that they were friends? WHAT IS SHE EVEN GOING TO HANG THAT TURTLEDOVE ORNAMENT ON, KEVIN.

Cooked rating out of 10: Eight turtledoves.

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Meg

Had you seen this film before?

I used to love the Home Alone films when I was a kid and have watched them pretty frequently ever since. I think it’s partly because I grew up an only child with a single parent who spent above their means to spoil me.

Would you watch this film again?

Christmas isn’t Christmas without watching an abandoned child take advantage of his family’s immense wealth, then stave off attempts on his life from two grown criminals!

What is it about this movie that is secretly cooked?

Okay. So. From a kids’ perspective, this franchise is a really fun exercise in control. Kevin is the baby of his family’s immense sweater-clad child farm. He’s overlooked and mocked and distrusted. Then, his split is a great emancipation. Kevin manipulates the adult world, from which he’s previously locked out, to his own benefit. He’s an avatar for autonomy — and the fact that he’s then able to both outsmart and physically dominate grown men (Joe Pesci, one of Scorsese’s toughest!) is icing on the cake.

From an adult’s perspective, it’s hard to feel psyched about all the ice cream sundaes when a lost 10-year-old is being dragged to the subway by an adult man who wants to throw him in front of a train.

Were there any fun bits at all? 

I definitely laughed when Joe Pesci had to do a handstand and lower his burning scalp into a kerosene-filled toilet, but oh fuck, that sure doesn’t look great when it’s written down.

Which cooked scene in this film will haunt you for many Christmases to come? 

It’s honestly too hard to pick, but I’m gonna say anything with Marv. This man occupies a very dark part of my psyche alongside Dustin Hoffman’s Hook and the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang — men I have had recurrent nightmares about in which they murder me/kidnap my loved ones.

I don’t know why I don’t feel the same about Joe Pesci’s Harry. It could be that Marv is left a little more mysterious, a bit more wild-eyed. It could be that Daniel Stern, the actor who portrays him, is comparatively unknown (and more able to fully occupy the horror). It could have something to do with this video, recorded last year, of him screaming alone in the dark.

Cooked rating out of 10: 9 smugly-eaten cheese pizzas

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Osman

Had you seen this film before?

Believe it or not, even though I’ve seen the first film about 600 times, this was the first time I’d seen the sequel.

Would you watch this film again?

There’s lots of disturbing and jarring bits in this film, but it’s mainly a fun, charming Christmas movie. So yes. Yes I would.

What is it about this movie that is secretly cooked?

Okay so everyone in this movie is absolutely, 100 percent cooked. The kid, Kevin, who has no idea what his dad looks like so he gets on the wrong plane. The flight attendant who lets him board the plane despite the fact that he has no boarding pass. His family, who board a flight without realising they’re missing their kids. The police officer interviewing the family and not immediately arresting them despite the fact they are clearly trying to disappear their child.

Then there’s the fact that film’s third act is just Kevin trying to kill Joe Pesci and his mate. At one point he electrocutes Pesci’s mate so intensely his skeleton his revealed. Up until this point I thought Home Alone 2 was a bit of cheeky fun. But they kinda shoehorned in all this cartoon violence, ramped up to an absurd level compared to the first film, and it killed some of the magic for me.

Were there any fun bits at all?

The film was directed by Chris Columbus, the guy who directed the first two Harry Potter films (Yep, I’m going to get a HP reference into every one of these), and he knows how to create a fun atmosphere.

Every scene with Tim Curry is a highlight, particularly the bit where he thinks he’s being shot.

Which cooked scene in this film will haunt you for many Christmases to come?

Speaking of that Tim Curry scene, there’s one aspect of the film that is beyond cooked. There’s a film within the film called Angels With Even Filthier Souls which Kevin watches and then later uses to bamboozle the hapless hotel staff.

The scene that we get to see involves a gangster called Johnny accusing his girlfriend, Carlotta, of cheating on him. Johnny makes Carlotta get on her knees and say she loves him, which she does. Johnny then machine-guns her to death.

I mean, WTF. Why is this in the film? I suppose it sets up with the prank with Tim Curry later on, but it still seems highly unnecessary.

Cooked rating out of 10: Seven Joe Pescis.

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Next Friday we’ll be watching another terrible Christmas movie! Please, please read it and make all this worth something.