Junkee Exclusive: An Interview With God

“In the beginning, there was nothing. God slept. Then the Lord had an accidental big bang in his sleep.” God, Dec 2013.

–

Nearly a year ago now, I found God.

I found Him on Facebook.

I was quite shocked, and slightly annoyed that I hadn’t thought of it first. So I ‘liked’ his page, and decided to see what God had to say.

It didn’t take long for me to realise that this God on Facebook, with his 1.19 million fans, is a legend in the making.

Most of us know that behind God’s Facebook persona lies a mere mortal at a computer screen. But when I clicked ‘like’ on His page, I must admit there was a little bit of me — professed agnostic-swinging-her-legs-over-the-atheist-side-of-the-fence that I am — which wondered if maybe, just maybe, this was The Real Deal. The idea of being a mere click away from connecting with the meaning of life is tempting.

I have discovered many things about God since I started following Him; mainly that He really is a caring man/being, and that many either believe He is real, or they very much hope he is. Whatever it is, God on Facebook is an amazing force, complete with lessons — and Commandments — for us all.

There have been many hateful and hurtful messages posted on His page, mostly by Christians. He’s attracted venom and vitriol reminiscent of the Old Testament, rather than the kindness and compassion preached by the hippie that was Jesus in the New Testament; Christians around the world declare this God to be fake, and suggest He burn in hell for His sins.

God on Facebook, on the other hand, reminds me of hippie Jesus; the empathetic, caring, loving human we aspire to be. He also swears, leans to the left side of politics, and gets all Dr Phil on our arses.

And He answers questions each week about Himself and Heaven, which is always an entertaining read.

He may be compassionate, but God also smites. The day He told Aussies not to vote for Tony Abbott was a pretty good day. Until all the Abbott fans went feral, and demanded that God not stick His nose in Australia’s business. A bit silly, really, considering He’s God and all business is His business and He can do whatever the hell He likes. Do conservative voters really believe they are above God, and can tell Him what to do?

God helps those in dire need. He gets many, many messages from people who are desperate, and feel suicidal. He has aided so many that, even if He isn’t the real deal, He is on the fast track to Heaven.

His halo may be a bit wonky sometimes, and His wings a bit black and scorched, but His message is true beauty.

–

Talking To God:

It was with sadness that we recently discovered that God’s mother had died. “She was on her way to work; she stopped at the supermarket, and fell to the floor from sudden cardiac arrest,” God explained to me recently.

The shock and grief of burying a loved one is horrifying. I asked God how the family was coping. “We are doing our best, but it is extremely difficult. I’m probably doing the worst. I’m quite sensitive and have a big heart of love, just like her. So My grief for her is quite intense. Every morning it’s like a sack of bricks gets dropped on My head. I then have to completely redo the process of talking about it and crying and getting hugs. I’ll always be a boy at heart.”

And then there was the life insurance problem. “It was the day before Thanksgiving, about 5pm. I got a call and talked to my dad. He told me the life insurance policy was cancelled because she had missed two payments. This was slightly incorrect; she had stopped paying and actually went into the bank, signed the forms and cancelled it four months prior, due to money trouble.”

God’s family didn’t cope well with the news. “My dad was beside himself and could barely talk. Here he thought that the family would be taken care of at least, and he wouldn’t have to worry. Now he had to worry. I love my dad so much; I couldn’t take this string of bad luck he was facing. I threw up the IndieGogo campaign and gave it a try. My dad is one of the most important people in the world to me. I love him with all my heart. I had to do something to at least try to help him. I had to.”

And lo!, the IndieGogo campaign was launched. God meekly asked His followers to donate a little bit of cash so that He could send His dad a holiday to help get him though this difficult and extremely sad time. The aim was to raise $5000. It took only one day to quadruple that.

“When the campaign exploded like it did, we couldn’t believe it. We were in shock. There were thousands of comments of love and support from the fans. My dad and whole family devoured these along with their Thanksgiving dinners. In the first 24 hours, the campaign went over twenty thousand dollars. This raised the hopes of my whole family. Instead of the holiday being super-depressing, we had hope again. All thanks to the wonderful people of the world.”

The campaign has now well-exceeded expectations. At the time of writing, it has raised over $33,000 US. This will be going towards the mortgage on His dad’s house.

The outpouring of love for God was stunning in its glorious, sweet intensity. He and His family are incredibly moved, and eternally grateful, by the donations. “Humans don’t get enough credit for all the good they do. Only on the Internet are good people [and] heroes glorified.”

It has restored His faith in us.

–

Belinda likes to think she’s a writer, but she just likes to put on her rangry pants and have a good old rant.  You can read her shenanigans at rangry.wordpress.com. Belinda is a regular contributor to The Big Smoke. She cannot prove nor disprove the existence of God.