Johnny Depp’s Trash-Talking Australia Over The Pistol And Boo Incident Again

There's a possibility his apology was not entirely serious.

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History is full of grand rivalries. 19th Century music had Mozart and Salieri. 20th Century science had Edison and Tesla. We have Hollywood superstar Johnny Depp and Deputy Prime Minister of Australia Barnaby Joyce eternally feuding over the fate of two ratty little dogs, and it is better than either of those other two.

Despite being forced to fly his dogs out on a private jet on threat of enforced euthanasia, give evidence in a Queensland courtroom, apologise to the nation of Australia and quite possibly negotiate his way out of a hostage situation, Depp has refused to give in to the person he calls “the sweaty, big-gutted man from Australia”. At a press conference promoting Alice And The Looking Glass in London yesterday, Depp ‘apologised’ for “not smuggling my dogs into England”, further pledging he’s “going to do this everywhere I go”.

“I would really like to apologise for not smuggling my dogs into England. It would have been a bad thing to do,” Depp said. “The Australians are a little chipper. You know.”

Given Depp’s on an extensive press tour to promote Alice at the moment, presumably we can look forward to ever more elaborate and sarcastic apologies in time with the newly-launched election campaign. The only way this thing could escalate more is if Depp finds out Barnaby’s at risk of losing his seat, and flies in to personally campaign for Tony Windsor. I will be praying for that outcome every night until the universe grants me this wish.