John Oliver’s Prepared A Handy Guide To Explaining Away All The New Year’s Resolutions You’ve Broken

Didn't last long, did they.

It’s January 4, which means the New Year’s resolutions you solemnly wrote down in that leather-bound journal that sits unused for 364 days of the year are already null and void. Heartfelt pledges to give up drinking, get fit, spend less time on your phone and call your mum more often are all well and good at 2am on a vomit-riddled train ride home from an NYE party, but the problem with trying to better yourself is it usually involves at least mild inconvenience, and no one has time for that nonsense.

But if you’re still clinging to the quaint belief that 2016 You is somehow better and more open to change than the barely-together mess you’ve been up to this point, there is another way to keep the faith: revising your expectations. Instead of going cold-turkey on grog, make a vague commitment to “drink less” while never bothering to work out what that might entail. Rather than give up smokes, pledge to “only smoke on special occasions,” which will eventually come to include Friday nights, Sunday mornings, and lunch breaks.

As John Oliver explains in a quick hiatus video special, revising your expectations is the perfect solution for people who want neither the hard work and sacrifice that comes with change, or the self-respect to admit when they’ve failed. It’s a win-win!

Last Week Tonight returns February 14.