Film

Sorry To Be Incredibly Horny, But We Really Need To Talk About James Marsden In ‘Hairspray’

Do you have a moment to talk about my Lord and saviour, Corny Collins?

by Michelle Rennex  23 November 2020
James Marsden Hairspray Corny Collins

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In 2007, the world was blessed with the best movie musical to date when Hairspray hit cinemas.

Based on the John Walters’ 1988 musical film of the same name, Hairspray was a star-studded, modern adaptation of the story of Tracy Turnblad, a plus-size high school student living in Baltimore in 1962, with a dream to dance on the local teen dance programme The Corny Collins Show.

For anyone who’s seen Hairspray, you’d know that the 2007 adaptation is the definition of a feel-good movie, full of uplifting and important messages around body positivity, racial injustice, and equality. I mean, even with all the barriers Tracy faced, she still ended up landing a spot on The Corny Collins Show and, as a result of some tweaks to the original plot, effectively led the show to racial integration in the ’60s.

But beyond the great storyline, flawless songs, and stand-out dance numbers, Hairspray‘s biggest strength is in it’s absolutely spot-on casting. With a mix of big names and first-time actors, Hairspray was made what it was by the actors who gave it their all.

The Most Perfectly Cast, Cast

Between John Travolta donning full drag to play Tracy’s agoraphobic and self-conscious plus-size mother, to Queen Latifah fully embodying the sassy and strong Motormouth Maybelle, to Nikki Blonsky nailing her professional acting debut with the character of Tracy Turnblad, the cast of Hairspray is pure excellence.

However, I would argue that the most perfectly cast characters are easily Link Larkin and Corny Collins, the film’s two leading men played by Zac Efron and James Marsden, respectively.

As the musical is set in the ’60s, Efron’s and Marsden’s suave looks, dark quiffs, self-assured energies, and piercing blue eyes give off a vibe that is so perfect for their roles.

For Link, as the teen heartthrob and narcissistic lead dancer on The Corny Collins Show, the character development from low-key piece of shit to Tracy’s new, selfless man, is a real joy to watch. But it’s made all that much better by that one strategically loose strand of hair that sits on Zac Efron’s forehead, and Efron’s general ability to just look… like that… all… the… time.

Ugh, not to be aggressively horny, but honestly Hairspray really was Zac Efron in his prime. And yes, I know he’s meant to be playing a 16-year-old high school student, but what the fuck. Why does he look so good? It makes no sense?!

But Corny Collins? Good Lord, Corny Collins.

While Joey McIntyre and Hugh Jackman were both also in the running for the role, the decision to go with James Marsden truly was the greatest casting decision ever made. In the history of film.

James Marsden played Corny SO well, it almost felt like we were all watching the real-life host of a real-life show about dancing teens. Marsden’s looks, attitude and general demeanour as Corny Collins just suited the plot and era so well.

And between his immaculate runs, unbelievably charming good looks, genuine friendship with Tracy Turnblad, and his surprisingly progressive attitudes, Corny Collins is still easily the best part of Hairspray — even 13 years on.

The Superior Leading Man Was Corny Collins

Perhaps it’s because we’re all grown up now, but anyone with two eyes and at least three braincells would agree that Corny Collins is far superior to the actual leading man, Link Larkin.

Despite Tracy’s journey in the film serving as the main plot, which focused on her budding romance with Link, Corny Collins stole the show each and every time he was on screen.

Personally, I attribute this to Corny being progressive during a time where doing so was frowned upon, and because he seems like a good, kind person to everyone he met. Plus, he’s just very sexy. Ungodly so.

But really think about it. While Link needed convincing to stand up for the rights of Black people, Corny knew that it was the right thing to do the entire time.

For example, the raspy way he sings the word ‘white’ in the line “the nice white kids, who like to lead the way” during the ‘Nicest Kids In Town‘ at the start of the film, it’s very clear that Corny Collins knows there’s something incredibly wrong with the concept of an all-white cast with a once-a-month “Negro Day”.

And at the end of the film, Corny Collins crowns little Inez the winner of the Miss Teenage Hairspray, despite knowing that he’d likely get in trouble for doing so. Corny also drags Maybelle on stage in spite of Velma, and even declares The Corny Collins Show as fully integrated before getting permission from the stations execs to do so.

In conclusion, Corny Collins really was the best leading man on Hairspray, even though he wasn’t really a leading man at all. But don’t get it twisted: Corny Collins power all came down to how James Marsden acted his life away in the role, because when Shawn Thompson played Corny in the original 1988 version, it really didn’t hit the same way.

So unless Marsden in cast as Corny Collins for the rest of his life, there simply cannot be another Hairspray remake.

I guess you can call it daddy issues or just the concept of having taste, but either way James Marsden as Corny Collins was just so fine. So unnecessarily sexy.

And not to be overly horny right now, but if you don’t believe me, try and listen to James Marsden do a perfect run with the line “that’s me” in ‘It’s Hairspray’ without getting turned on in three seconds flat.

You’re welcome.