It’s Lil Wayne’s Birthday Today, So Let’s Count Down His Filthiest Lyrics

It’s Lil Wayne’s birthday today! The Louisiana rapper, otherwise known as Dwayne Michael Carter Jr, turns 31. We decided that we’d like to celebrate the occasion, but what do you get the man who has all the kush one human can ever smoke and enough tattoos to cover his entire face?

We racked our brains, and decided that the best way to celebrate Lil Wayne’s big day was to pay tribute to his unparalleled gift for profanity. Lil Wayne is the dirtiest man in hip-hop, and his lyrics have only gotten more ribald and filthy with age. For his birthday, we decided we’d create the definitive list of his top five dirtiest tracks.

As we went over Lil Wayne’s back catalogue, even we were shocked by the sheer amount of cursing contained within. If we never hear another rhyming couplet about diarrhea, another graphic simile for vaginas and the moisture levels thereof, or another rambling anecdote involving cough syrup, we’ll die happy.

It goes without saying that almost every Lil Wayne track is a potty-mouthed tirade against something or other, so we set a key ground rule for the list: no profanity for its own sake. In order for a track to qualify, it had to really be creative in its cussing, pushing Lil Wayne’s stream of expletives in a somewhat original or even whimsical direction.

Finally, after spending hours on YouTube and various spyware-laden hip-hop lyric sites, we managed to narrow the candidates down to the top five filthiest Lil Wayne tracks. It wasn’t easy, but we got there in the end.

It goes without saying that the following list is very, very NSFW.

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5. ‘Romance’ (2013)

 

Sample lyrics:

Ok, now give me coochie at my mama’s crib
On Thanksgiving everybody’s listening

Why it’s so filthy:

The topic of seduction is never far from Lil Wayne’s mind, and this song serves as an itemised list of the things he considers to be romantic. It starts out sweet enough — “I always do you favours,” he says, “that’s romance” — but being a Lil Wayne song and all, it’s not long before you realise that the favours are probably of a sexual nature.

The hardcore profanity sets in pretty quickly. Other things Lil Wayne considers to be romantic include fucking at work, having his thumb sucked, marijuana bouquets, three-ways, anal sex, standing up in that pussy like a sunroof, and hand-holding. Aww, the guy really is just a softie at heart.

The verse that takes the cake, though, is the one where Wayne propositions a girl for sex while at his mother’s house celebrating Thanksgiving. As this tryst takes place, his other family members sit around awkwardly, trying to ignore the loud sex noises coming from the other room and eating their dry turkey. I hope Lil Wayne never actually put his loved ones through this.

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4. ‘Money On My Mind’ (2005)

Sample lyrics:

Dear Mr. Toilet, I’m the shit
Got these other haters pissed cause my toilet paper thick

Why it’s so filthy:

‘Money On My Mind’ is pretty tame in comparison with a lot of Lil Wayne’s output. The reason it ranks so highly on this list is that it serves as a reminder of his obsession with the scatological. Motifs like poo-poo, pee-pee, diarrhea and toilets figure heavily in his songs, but ‘Money On My Mind’ is the most succinct expression of these.

Wayne uses ‘Money On My Mind’ as a platform to address those who are jealous of his material possessions like fancy cars and Prada shoes, but the best part is where he addresses the toilet directly, asserting that he is “the shit”. The thickness of the toilet paper in question may represent a fat wad of cash, or a girthy member, but being Lil Wayne, it’s probably both.

When his rap career is all done and he’s looking for other opportunities, I can actually picture Lil Wayne hosting a Japanese game show alongside a talking toilet. I’d probably watch it, too.

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3. ‘Lollipop (Remix)’ (2008)

Sample lyrics:

Shawty say she wanna lick the wrapper
And she gonna lick the rapper

Why it’s so filthy:

The lollipop is a penis. That’s why it’s dirty.

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2. ‘Sex In The Lounge’ by Nicki Minaj featuring Lil Wayne & Bobby V (2012)

Sample lyrics:

I lay her down and kiss her neck, and talk dirty to her
Like I get that pussy wetter than a dirty sewer
Fuck with me, turn around and bust it open for me
Get on that dick and get that money, go Oprah for me

Why it’s so filthy:

Where to even start with this one? Nicki Minaj’s ‘Sex In The Lounge’ is a Penthouse letter in song form, telling the take of a tawdry hook-up in a public place, but Lil Wayne’s guest spot is an aria of profanity. Given his tendency to go off on tangents and mix his metaphors, however, it’s also the most lucid explanation of his seduction technique you’re likely to get.

So how exactly does Lil Wayne like to get down? He starts by performing oral sex on his lady, then they switch positions. He invites her back to his large house for unprotected sex, after which he ejaculates on or around her person. His dirty talk throughout this process, he boasts, will arouse her so that she will become “wetter than a dirty sewer”.

Scatology and sex are two of Lil Wayne’s most abiding obsessions; that he combines them so fluidly on a song that still manages to have a coherent narrative is, in itself, a gargantuan achievement.

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1. ‘Pussy Monster’ (2008)

Sample lyrics:

Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy
Yeah, I’m da pussy monster, da pussy monster
Da pussy monster, da pussy monster
And you betta feed me, pussy, pussy
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy

Why it’s so filthy:

Lil Wayne is very enthusiastic about receiving oral sex from women, but also about performing it on them. This magnanimity is rare in the world of hip-hop where it’s usually all take take take, so his willingness to engage in cunnilingus is admirable. That being the case, ‘Pussy Monster’ is still very, very dirty indeed.

The song casts Wayne as a demented Sesame Street muppet who lives and breathes for vagina. Over the course of the song, he likens his paramour’s naughty bits to a bowl of hot stew whose juice he is about to drink, and suggests that his oral sex might have curative properties, allowing him to “suck out” her flu.

After moaning the word “pussy” over and over, the song builds to Wayne’s climactic assertion that his very survival is contingent on slurping up the vag, and he’ll die without it. This is a man whose attitude to women could, at best, be described as ‘retrograde’, but in light of ‘Pussy Monster’, his commitment to pleasing them seems almost touching.

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And with that, we’re done, and I think I need a shower. Happy birthday, Lil Wayne! Don’t ever change.