Have you ever walked past a day spa on your way home to study and hated literally every single person inside with every inch of your being? Are you overworked as fuck?

Don’t you even worry my scaly, oily friend! I am a narcissist on youth allowance, and I know how to treat myself without worrying about post-spending guilt.

Foot Bath

A foot bath under your desk makes you feel good. It’s a scientific fact that all feet are gross, so some soaking will always be beneficial.

Epsom salts ($6) for you skin and muscles, teatree oil ($10) to fight any weird infection you haven’t realised you have yet, chamomile tea ($3) for your pains, and a splash of olive oil for the gross thick skin on the side of your foot.

Face Mask

Do you ever feel like your whole life is falling apart, uni is going terribly, you have no friends, and your card got declined for a bubble-o-bill? Because same. When I feel the crushing weight of a capitalist society fall on my shoulders, I do a face mask. Suddenly, I have a GPA of 4, I’m besties with Cardi B and I’m putting in for my house deposit.

Face masks generally come under three different categories; oily, dry and combination. For oily skin, use chalkier ingredients, like oats ($1.80), mashed up bananas (70c) or milk products like yogurt ($4) mixed with something naturally acidic, like lemon (60c) or tomato (40c).

For dry skin, use more soothing ingredients, like avocado ($3), eggs ($4) or honey ($4). Mix with hydrating ingredients like coconut oil ($6), Epsom salts ($6), brewer’s yeast ($2) or aloe vera if you’ve got a plant.

For combination skin, it’s a fine art of mixing both hydrating ingredients with detoxifying ingredients. I’d stick to bananas (70c), oats ($1.80), honey ($4) and eggs ($4) for these ones. These are generally already in the cupboard. Face so smooth.

Hair Mask

A hair mask is the best way to keep yourself chained to the desk. You’d have to wash and dry your hair to leave the house, so you’ll probably just stay home and study. The rule with hair masks is pretty similar to the rule with face masks – chalky for oily, oily for dry.

I personally enjoy drenching my head with olive oil ($7) and maybe some lavender oil if I’m feeling insecure. Pro tip — NEVER wash egg mix out of your hair with hot water. It scrambles and takes like five hours to get out with a nit comb later (what’s up summer holidays 2007). 

Body Scrubs

A scrub is for before, after, or in the middle of a hectic week 10, all-day, at home cram. It’s the easiest thing in the entire world, and Franks coffee scrubs are laughing while they burn your money to light their mantlepieces.

A scrub is just a jar of sugar ($1.85), salt ($2) or coffee ($5) with equal parts oil, usually of the coconut or olive variety. You literally just mix them together, and smear it on your hot, wet skin.

Oat Bath

So, this is one you can enjoy when you have a lecture to listen to, or a movie you need to watch for your cinema studies class.

Blend up two cups of plain oats ($1.80) until it’s powdery, and dump in a hot, full bath. You are technically sitting in porridge, so pubic hair is a bit of a disadvantage here. Once you’re out, holllllly shit, you will not recognise your new baby skin. Its particularly good for hives too, you nervous freaks.

(Lead image: Mrs Doubtfire/20th Century Fox)