Culture

Authorities Say This Horny Whale Could Be A Russian Spy

by Merryana Salem  1 June 2023

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A Beluga whale minding its own business is an alleged agent of soviet espionage, according to marine authorities, and after what went down with Freya the Walrus, it behooved us to investigate. 

Named colloquially as Hvaldimir to allude to his possible status as an ex-Russian spy, the large water mammal has been making waves off the coast of Sweden. I know what you’re thinking. Why would this whale be an agent of Russian espionage? 

Well, this is a story that goes way back. In 2019, Hvaldimir was spotted vibing off the coast of Norway. After approaching some crew on boats around the Norwegian isle of Ingoya, it was reported he was wearing a modified human harness designed to mount a GoPro. The harness was engraved with the label, “Equipment of St Petersburg.” 

Those who encountered the very sociable Beluga remarked upon his comfort around humans, and an investigation by Norwegian Intelligence found that Hvaldimir was very likely trained by the Russian army, hence the harness and his experience with humans. 

While there is a real history of animals being trained and experimented on for the purposes of spying, the theory that Hvaldimir is a spy is not widely believed by experts. If he was trained by the Russian army, he probably flunked out of school for being the social king he is. 

“I think the likelihood of him being a Russian spy is near zero,” Marine Biologist Dr Sebastian Strand told the ABC. “His solitude has likely made him seek out human companionship more than he would had he the option of a pod of his kinsman,” he said. 

But obviously, there is still the harness to explain. The thing is though, if I was sending a whale incognito to spy on neighbouring nations, I’d probably not put a label on it indicating its origins. 

Russian Reserve Colonel Col Viktor Baranets, said as much back in 2019, saying, “If we were using this animal for spying, do you really think we’d attach a mobile phone number with the message ‘Please call this number’?” 

Anyway, the real question is: why is this big Beluga boy so far south? Well, as it turns out, he’s looking for love. It’s well within mating season for Beluga’s and Hvaldimir’s hormones are running high, but our geographically challenged king has ended up a little further South than his kind tend to venture for their hot Beluga summers.  

As for why he’s still wearing the harness? Look, what activities a hot-blooded mammal enjoys when they’re feeling randy is their business. You do you, Hvaldimir. Get it, king.