Culture

Why Am I So Horny For The Plague Doctor Mask?

As a pandemic sweeps the world, I cannot stop thinking about how sexual the 17th century plague doctor is.

by Lucy Valentine  18 March 2020
plague doctor mask

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Times are tough. Is the world ending? Will the economy recover? What should I be doing to best protect myself and my family? And most importantly: why is that plague doctor mask so horny?

As we face a global pandemic, I find myself self-isolating and constantly facing a menace as I try to have a good time online — images of the bird-beaked plague doctor man, and the confusing feelings that consume me.

Why does this man carry a cane? What is it for if not some form of erotic sadomasochism? And more compellingly, am I simply horny for birds, and should I consider seeking therapy?

It is a scary time to be logged on, with terrible news flooding our social media and our screens and only one morbid icon provides us any relief — the bespectacled bird freak and his Marquis de Sade-ass aesthetic.

What gives him the right? Who allowed a noble man of medicine to present himself as an Eyes Wide Shut orgy attendee? And why is it absolutely doing it for me?

The looming figure considers himself immune to airborne pathogens, but he is not immune to our desires.

Beak Daddy

He knows this and he welcomes it, adorning himself in a decorative hat, soft gloves of goat leather and spectacles. His lengthy beak is filled with dried aromatics like cinnamon, myrrh and honey to protect him from the putrid air, and it likely makes him smell amazing.

The outfit did not, after all, purify the poisonous air, and here in 2020 nothing can purify my reprehensible thoughts.

In the time of the horrifying bubonic plague his salary is paid by the city, so he treats both wealthy and poor. The plague doctor is a comrade of the working class and he strong, and he is my friend.

None of us want to admit it, but the mysterious figure beneath this leathery 17th century aesthetic delight is the original ā€˜sexy nurseā€™ our hearts and bodies desire.

Certainly succumbing to the horrors of the black plague would have been undesirable, but what better image to carry you to the afterlife than this fearless, faceless figure over your bed, reminding you that death is an arcane inevitability and everything is temporary except for your unshakeable desire.

Charles de Lorme Could Get It

The costume is credited to physician Charles de Lorme, a man ahead of his time in both medical innovation and creating what is certainly an early precursor to the gimp suit.

It was believed the plague was spread through noxious air that created an imbalance in a personā€™s bodily fluids, and to me it seems the plague doctor outfit is certainly no remedy to this.

I am not sure what it is I yearn for when I see this macabre figure, but I know his fearless stoicism is extremely horny and that I am only human.

Thereā€™s no end in sight yet for us in this fearful time to be alive, but may we not take solace in being collectively horny online? Is this not the world we have worked to create since we all started being on the computer?

Historian Frank M. Snowden wrote that the horny bird outfit and the therapeutic practice of the man inside ā€œdid little to prolong life, relieve suffering or effect a cureā€ and here we are in 2020 — my suffering (being horny) is not relieved and I will continue ardently searching for a cure.

Lucy Valentine is a freelance writer, political satirist, podcast co-host and all-round Melbourne stereotype. She is extremely online and tweeting atĀ @LucyXIV