We regret to inform you that the Nationals are very, very horny, and they want you to know about it.

Yesterday Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull responded to the ongoing Barnaby Joyce scandal by declaring that he was updating the ministerial code of conduct to prohibit ministers from having sex with members of their staff.

The new policy has been dubbed the “bonk ban”, and it hasn’t gone down well with Nationals MPs, despite the fact it was only really announced because the minor party had comprehensively failed to do literally anything about the political crisis paralysing the government.

Because Joyce is leader of the Nationals, Turnbull technically can’t fire him. But with the issue dominating parliament and the media all week, he needed to do something to avoid looking completely impotent. Hence the bonk ban.

However, rather than just copping it on the chin, Nationals MPs have started a mini-revolt against the policy, leading to suggestions (from us) that they are extremely, extremely horny.

Barnaby Joyce Is Very Mad

Barnaby Joyce has just responded to the PM’s comments, calling them “inept” and “unnecessary”, which means the two most senior politicians in the country are basically at war with each other.

Both Nine News and Fairfax are reporting that Nationals MPs are “furious” about Turnbull’s response. According to Fairfax, “Turnbull’s condemnation has only made him [Joyce] more determined to stay on his position”.

“Nationals sources said Mr Turnbull’s savage admonishment only deepened their resolve to stand by Mr Joyce,” the Fairfax report said.

It’s an interesting insight into the delusion apparently afflicting Nationals MPs, who somehow think Joyce is the victim in all this. The affair, and related political scandals around ministerial staffing, have been the biggest news story all week, but the party seems to think they can just ignore it all and it will just disappear.

The Horny Nats

Andrew Broad, the Nationals MP representing the seat of Mallee, wasn’t too impressed with the PM’s sex ban. He said that the policy sent a message to the public that “somehow the parliament is some incestuous orgy”.

He denied that was the case, and said parliament was full of “hard-working professionals”. We just want to point out that the two things are not actually exclusive.

Broad also threw in a confusing line about his relationship with his wife, asking: “My wife ironed my shirts this week… does that make her staff?”

Ummm… no mate, it doesn’t? Also, learn how to iron your own shirts?

Another Nationals MP, Damian Drum, took to ABC radio to denounce the sex ban and said that private matters shouldn’t lead to people losing their jobs.

But perhaps the weirdest response came from Queensland MP George Christensen. In a Facebook post Christensen said “the bonk ban is bonkers!”, before immediately pivoting to his preferred topic of conversation: immigration.

“Rather than banning bonking, I’d prefer to ban immigration from countries with a high level of terrorism and extremism,” he said.

We are not making this up — a federal politician is seriously trying to turn a sex ban into a discussion around a Trump-esque immigration ban. It’s the pure insanity in Australian politics we’ve all come to know and love.

Christensen went on to list a whole bunch of other things he thinks should be banned, including foreign ownership of “key Australian assets”, bank foreclosures on farms affected by drought, casualisation in the mining sector an “insurance companies price-gouging North Queenslanders”.

It’s a pretty solid effort by Christensen to steer the conversation back towards policy, but all we’re really taking away from it is that he, like the other Nationals, is a horny, horny man.

.@GChristensenMP is fond of whips. Here's a preview of Saturday's Good Weekend cover: pic.twitter.com/0EYcgDPfJt

— Amelia Lester (@ThatAmelia) November 30, 2016