A Doctor Is Suing Gwyneth Paltrow (And It’s Not Even About Goop)
For years now, Gwyneth Paltrow has been waging a fierce war against the medical community.
From announcing that bras cause breast cancer (demonstrably wrong!) to selling rocks you can shove up your hoo-hah (demonstrably useless!), Paltrow has spent her time as a purveyor of catnip for wealthy white women (AKA CEO of “lifestyle brand” Goop), flying in the face of all that is right, and decent, and logical.
But now Paltrow has stepped things up. No longer to merely trade insults with doctors online, the walking chai latte has taken her vendetta out onto the streets, and appears to be taking out members of the medical community one by one.
I don't know a great deal about the female vagina, but I do know this. Ladies, whatever Gwyneth Paltrow tells you to do to your vagina… you probably shouldn't do it.
— Rupert California (@citizenkawala) January 26, 2019
It all started in 2016, when Paltrow was staying at the Deer Valley Ski Resort in Utah, taking a holiday from her busy lifestyle of spouting veritable absolute dog diarrhea on the internet.
While there, Paltrow apparently crashed into a local doctor, Terry Sanderson, on the ski slope.
And this wasn’t some light scuffle; according to the case that Sanders has levelled against Paltrow, the actress impacted him with such force that she caused him to sustain minor brain damage and a broken rib.
Breaking: A local doctor has filed a lawsuit against actress @GwynethPaltrow and @Deer_Valley claiming Paltrow crashed into him while skiing causing severe injuries and then just skied away. Waiting for a press conf. Calling it a “hit & run ski crash” #kutv2news pic.twitter.com/G14UaAb19f
— Dan Rascon (@DanKUTV) January 29, 2019
Making the whole matter even more traumatic, apparently Paltrow “scream[ed] like King Kong” before hitting Sanderson, which is the kind of mental image I will now have to shove deep into my psyche, only for it to inevitably return during my next sleep paralysis episode.
Adding insult to the already allegedly serious injury, Sanderson was apparently admonished by his own ski instructor, who told him off for “taking out” the Academy Award-winning actress.
All jokes aside, if Sanderson’s story is true (which, it should be noted, Paltrow’s people have already denied), then it’s truly tragic: Sanderson says his recovery was slow and painful.
In any case, consider this a warning, you doctors out there, and keep your eyes pricked for King Kong screams next time you take to the slopes.