Celebrities Should Be Able To Mow Down Whoever They Want On The Ski Slopes
When will we learn?
Between her film performances and wellness mission, Gwyneth Paltrow always gives us a lot to think about. Maybe too much, if we’re being honest. Thankfully, writer and Serious Celebrity Observer Nick Bhasin is on hand to provide crucial perspective.
In 2016, there was a ski accident in Utah. Gwyneth Paltrow and a retired optometrist named Terry Sanderson collided on a beginner’s slope. Now they’re suing each other.
The trial has just begun and apparently it’s going to take eight days, but I can save the taxpayers a lot of money and solve this case in eight minutes.
It’s not Gwyneth’s fault.
Yes, we don’t yet know who is at fault. They may both be at fault. But here’s the thing:
It’s not Gwyneth’s fault.
Why? Because she’s a celebrity. And celebrities play different games by different rules that the rest of us can not and will not ever understand. That’s just the reality of the situation.
Yes, the downhill skier has the right of way and we can argue who was downhill of whom all day and night, but the fact remains that Gwyneth was in Iron Man. Maybe you’ve heard of it. It’s a little movie that kicked off the Avengers franchise which made billions of dollars around the world.
You may have noticed that I am referring to Gwyneth Paltrow by her first name: Gwyneth. That’s because she’s a celebrity and, as with all celebrities, because she is in movies and TV shows, we are entitled to know her personally. She may have been Paltrow at some point in her life. But as soon as she appeared as Young Wendy Darling in Hook, she became Gwyneth.
So you see, we know Gwyneth. But she doesn’t know us. So even if she was barrelling at us recklessly on a ski slope, as Sanderson claims, she might mistake us for a stuffed animal or a poorly dressed scarecrow – something meant to be run over. Which is totally natural.
I’m not a lawyer (yet), but I can see how it may look like the person who was not physically hurt might be at fault. Gwyneth appeared to be fine while Sanderson claims to have suffered serious injuries. But Gwyneth claims Sanderson said he was okay after the accident and suggests that he’s trying to exploit her celebrity for financial gain.
Now, Terry Sanderson is a human being. And all human beings have rights. Yes, it is true that he, unlike Gwyneth, is not a celebrity. But that isn’t necessarily his fault. Maybe he never tried to become one. Or maybe he did try but it just didn’t work out. Either way, I don’t think we should hold that against him. He chose to dedicate his life to being an “optometrist”, whatever that is.
And I certainly wouldn’t want anyone to suffer any injury and I hope he is getting the care he needs. I unequivocally wish him a pain-free life filled with joy.
That said, he should have gotten out of Gwyneth’s way. She was in Sliding Doors! And she was teaching her kids how to ski! I can’t believe we’re still talking about this.
Listen, we can be mad because she’s better-looking than us. We can be mad that she drinks bone broth and sells a $75 candle that smells like her vagina. We can be mad that she gives herself vitamins the old-fashioned way: intravenously.
We can be mad that we tried the same Rectal Ozone Therapy she did and now we can’t hold down a piece of bread because literally everything goes right through us and we have to wear special pants and our heart makes a constant knocking sound and we don’t see so good anymore.
And, of course, we can be mad that in our collective haze of celebrity delusion and blind desperation for wellness, we’ve allowed the star of Shallow Hal to become a diet deity worshipped and despised for her out of touch health tips. We have created a world in which we have no choice but to cling to her every word, then hate her because she’s not relatable.
So when we’re skiing, and the star of Duets is coming down that mountain, we get out of the way, or we get mowed down. And when we buy that vagina-scented candle and it explodes, well, we get out of the house or we go up in flames.
This is the bargain we’ve made with our celebrities. I think it’s a pretty good deal.
This is a satirical piece written by Sydney writer Nick Bhasin. His debut novel, I Look Forward to Hearing from You, will be published by Penguin Random House Australia in June. Follow him on Twitter.