12 Guy Sebastian Outfits That Force Me To Ask, “What’s Going On Here, Honey?”
I can't account for any of this.
Let’s get things straight: I don’t think Guy Sebastian, the dude who won Australian Idol while still somehow feeling more like a loser than the musician he beat, Shannon Noll, dresses badly. Not exactly.
Really great fashion is all about making choices that confuse, that shock. Alexander McQueen crafted a whole career out of making aesthetic choices that explain a person less, rather than more. And at the end of the day, the clothes that he selects might be the most surprising thing about Guy Sebastian — certainly compared to his vaguely Hillsong-esque, utterly middle of the road singles.
But that’s not the same as saying that Guy dresses well. At the best of times, the man looks like he’s fallen backwards through a menswear section while dousing himself with fluorescent paint. At the worst of times, he looks like he’s playing the fashion equivalent of Exquisite Corpse, getting six separate people to pick each item of his dress without any of them knowing about what the other has selected.
Don’t believe me? Here then are the ten outfits that most make me want to ask Guy Sebastian exactly what he was thinking.
#1. This Yellow Jacket
I’m putting this one right at the top of the list because I’m not entirely convinced that it’s bad, per se. Sure, in the words of one of my co-workers, it looks like something that a character from Street Fighter might wear. But hey, Street Fighter is probably the most fashionable arcade game after Pac-Man (Ms. Pac-Man being a perennial style icon, of course.)
The only problem? It does certainly seem to point to multitudes that Guy himself does not contain.
#2. This Green Pleather
I am not against pleather. I am not against pleather at all. After all, I take my fashion tips from John Waters, and personally dress like a colour-blind scarecrow.
My problem with this outfit, somewhat controversially, is the idea of wearing pleather and nothing else underneath. Such an outfit will invariably make me think about your skin squeaking sweatily up against the back of the jacket, and that is just not an image that I desire thrust upon me.
#3. This Polo
This is the outfit favoured by my bullies in high school. I hate it with all my life.
#4. Whatever Is Going On Here
To think, this was how Guy Sebastian was introduced to the general public. Which is not to say that it’s a bad outfit, necessarily: faux fur collars have a certain “I do not know” about them. But he’s just lacking one last item to throw the whole thing into appropriately amusing chaos — a novelty ring shaped like a frog, for instance, or a little hat with a propeller.
#5. This Big Hat
Why is Guy Sebastian taking fashion advice from Pokémon‘s Ash Ketchum? But seriously: please tell me why?
#6. This Cargo Nightmare
I might be more forgiving of this outfit if Guy wasn’t sitting like that. Why is he sitting like that? Why is he puffing out his chest? Who can account for such madness?
#7. This Adult Contemporary Melange
Sometimes, Guy dresses up for nobody but the boomers that he wants to buy his new album. And it sucks. I hate it. He dresses the way that every edgy teenager imagines that adults dress. He dresses the way that the parts of the Bible which say you shouldn’t have fun sex would dress if they came to life and you forced them to shop at Kmart.
At least the green pleather jacket has some panache.
#8. This Festival Shirt Horrorshow
I like a good ring, myself. But a ring combined with a shirt that screams “guy who hits on you in the line for the toilets at a festival” draws out the worst of both clothing items. Accessorising = good. Dressing like a 17-year-old in the front row at Tame Impala = bad.
#9. This Fucking Hat
Did you lose a bet, Guy? Because I can’t think of any other way to explain why you’d combine that hat with that fucken’ vest and that fucken’ necklace. I cannot condone any of it. And neither should you.
#10. Whatever The Hell Is Happening Here
The less said about this the better, to be quite honest.
#11. And Here…
Now look, the ARIAs have witnessed some fashion tragedies over the years, and Guy has approximately contributed 90 percent of them. At least he has some self-awareness — last year he took a trip down memory lane to relive some of his most questionable moments on the red carpet.
12. This Pink Suit
Wait, actually, this one’s good.
Joseph Earp is a staff writer for Junkee, he maintains a crisp and flawless wardrobe. Follow him on Twitter.
Photo Credit: Sergio Dionisio/Getty Images, Paul McConnell/Getty Images