Grimes Has Kicked Off Her Influencer Career In The Most Grimes Way Possible
"I spend 2-4 hours in my deprivation tank, this allows me to “astro-glide” to other dimensions - past, present, and future."
Daily workout routines and Days-On-A-Plate are part of the fabric of Instagram. How are we supposed to know how to live our lives unless a rich white person instructs us to meditate for 4 hours, abandon all of our responsibilities, and commune naked with horses while drinking home-brewed kombucha through a metal straw?
Nearly all of the time, they’re insufferable to read through — unless someone is royally taking the piss out of them, which is what we’re dealing with today. Grimes, who’s currently gearing up to release her new album Miss Anthropocene, led her Insta followers through her incredibly detailed daily routine earlier today as part of her new deal with Stella McCartney and Adidas. Of course, being Grimes, she couldn’t dip her toe into the capitalist cesspool that is influencing without completely ripping it to shreds at the same time.
“I first maintain a healthy cellular routine where I maximise the function of my mitochondria with supplements such as NAD+, Acetyl L-Carnitine, Magnesium, etc,” she begins. “This helps promote ATP and it’s incredibly visceral. From that point I spend 2-4 hours in my deprivation tank, this allows me to “astro-glide” to other dimensions – past, present, and future.”
She also manages to squeeze in a sword fighting session (her and her trainer mostly do core exercises, but also some tricks) and an inclined hike at four to four-and-a-half miles per hour, which is apparently “the most efficient workout”.
“I then spend 45 minutes stretching before heading into the studio where my mind and body are functioning at peak level, with a neuroplastic goal between 57.5 and 71.5 AphC’s (which is my preferred range for my blood type),” she continues. “I’ve outfitted my studio with the highest grade of red light. It is pretty much 1000 SQF IR Sauna. Hana then comes over and we do a screaming session for 20-25 minutes while I slow boil the honey tea that maximises vocal proficiency.
“I have also eliminated all blue light from my vision through an experimental surgery that removes the top film of my eyeball and replaces it with an orange ultra-flex polymer that my friend and I made in the lab this past winter as a means to cure seasonal depression.”
So how does Grimes finish off a day of optimal living? “I go to bed with a humidifier on,” she says.
Sure, it might be spon con, but at least Grimes is doing it her way. That said, remember how she once described herself as an anti-capitalist?