This weekend, a photo was taken of Sunrise host Samantha Armytage “daring” to wear functional underwear under a dress. This seemed to be intended as a severe PSA to all women: ladies, remember to never, ever make the mechanics of your femininity visible. 

Because it’s hard to remember all the tips and tricks women have to simultaneously recall so that we may appear palatable and un-offensive to the outside world, while also remembering how to stand upright, here’s a little list to get you by. Print it out and stick it on your vanity mirror, gals!

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Granny Panties

“Granny panties” are what you call underwear that actually fits your frame and are comfortable. They are called “granny panties” because once women reach a certain age they make society uncomfortable, as their obvious purpose has become unclear. If you are not a granny, your purpose is to be attractive. Ergo, if you wear granny panties you are disobeying the natural order of things and making those around you deeply confused and unsettled. “Mummy, why isn’t that lady trying to appear as restricted and sexually appealing as she possibly can?” concerned school children will probably say as you pass.

The real problem with granny panties, and the reason why they shouldn’t even exist, let alone be visible, is that they allow women a level of ease that, quite frankly, is dangerous. You see, females should always just feel slightly on edge, and that feeling can only be achieved by the specific chaffing of sheer nylon, the luscious ecstasy of lace digging into your flesh and leaving faint pink ridges on your stomach and thighs, like tiny reminders of your place in the world. If your middle doesn’t look it’s been confined by rope, that lingerie is not tight enough!!

It’s a historical fact that Joan of Arc only wore sensible underwear that provided full coverage and we all know how that turned out.

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Any Sign That You Have A Human Body

A woman’s body should seem like a shining glacier of diamond; something that just exists without regular human functions and doesn’t have the same biological consequences as male bodies. This is why, since humanity has been capable of keeping record, a woman has never, ever done a shit. That’s a true story.

In that same vein (which women also don’t have; we function on a system of French spring water, baby powder and coconut essence) women must never, ever be seen to sweat. That would be disgusting!!! If on the rare occasion you are concerned that you might be about to sweat, hold your breath until you pass out and then hopefully someone will admit you to a hospital and you can sweat in the privacy of your hospital room. Bonus tip: fainting is very ladylike and encouraged.

The only exception to making your bodily functions invisible is the cold, as it is deeply chic to complain about how cold you are. Being cold reminds people of baby birds and you do want people to think you are as helpless and adorable as a baby bird, but with more fragile bones.

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Body Hair

Gross!!!

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What Your Face Actually Looks Like

You may have read strange articles about using make-up being some sort of fun way to express or take pleasure in yourself, but in actual fact it should only be used to completely camouflage yourself in a way that cannot be detected by others. This is your true ‘natural’ state. If someone isn’t complimenting you on your skin once a day (to which you demurely reply, “Oh really? I’m not wearing anything!”) then you’re not doing it right.

Cover every blemish. Plug every pore. Coat every eyelash in a thick shell of black plastic that can only be removed by a fluid that stings. Highlight the bones of your skull until they glow like magnificent radioactive rods. Colour the hollows of your cheeks so they burn in constant humiliation. Straighten your hair so it shines like strips of silk. Make this seem easy. Deny that you partake in this ritual. Never ever forget that this is not for you, but for those who have to look at you day-to-day (your partner/the tram driver/creepy Richard who sits at the desk across the corridor).

Make up!!!

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Any Discomfort Brought On By Your Wardrobe 

Let’s say you’re wearing the correct underwear and the approved uniform for the role of ‘woman’ — don’t complain about it! Your efforts must always be hidden.

For example, if you’re wearing an extremely tight skirt and your thighs are rubbing together so furiously that you genuinely wonder if the friction of flesh on flesh could actually start a small fire, do you resolve to never wear this skirt again? Hell no! None of your body parts should ever touch any of your other body parts and admitting this would destroy your carefully cultivated vision of femininity.

Imagine you’re a completely hairless plastic starfish and then go about your day in silent contentment.

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Your Independence 

What! No thanks! You should never make it obvious that you enjoy being by yourself, as society finds a woman without want deeply threatening. You should be like a sea creature desperately clinging to a rock, suctioned to the dullest deadweight in the ocean yearning yearning yearning for this anchor, for fear of the alternative. Taking pleasure in your own company should absolutely be masked.

Related: don’t take baths.

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Your Dissatisfaction With Constantly Being Overlooked In Favour Of Mediocre Men, Which Sometimes Hits You So Hard That You Go Into A Self-Imposed Catatonic State And Sing ‘Come On, Eileen’ In Your Head Over And Over Until It Passes 

Don’t tell anyone about this.

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Fatigue At The Crippling Weight Of The Patriarchy, Which Is Slowly Turning Your Muscles To Jelly And Your Bones To Dust 

This either.