Let Us Pull You Close And Whisper ‘G’Day Mate’ With This Series Of Excellent Tweets

G’day mates. If you didn’t just shudder with pleasure and/or revulsion, you’re clearly not up to speed on the latest in Australian politics. Let us help you with that.

As you may or may not know, this morning a government minister named Andrew Broad resigned from his position after a woman claiming to be his sugar baby came forward with some disturbing allegations.

One of the more disturbing things she provided to New Idea was a screenshot of messages allegedly sent by Andrew Broad to her, which appear to be an attempt to sext…in Australian. Specifically, if the screenshots are to be believed, Andrew Broad messaged this poor woman to let her know “I’m a country guy so I know how to fly a plane, ride a horse, fuck my woman”.

After receiving confirmation that the woman he was sexting did indeed find Aussie accents sexy, he then continued with: “I pull you close, run my strong hands down your back, softly kiss your neck and whisper ‘Gday mate'”. If you’re reading this for the first time, sorry.

Sad to confirm the phrase “gday mate” is now cancelled. pic.twitter.com/aBU3LpdsKH

— Sally Rugg (@sallyrugg) December 17, 2018

what idiot called it "Andrew Broad's sugar baby scandal" and not gday mate gate

— Ben Mc (@McElstuff) December 17, 2018

Anyway, while the phrase “g’day mate” is now cancelled in everyday conversation, the upside of this whole debacle is a real uptick in real fair dinkum erotica on Twitter dot com (where else?).

So if you’ve been stuck on how to phrase a sext to someone whose idea of Australian culture is gleaned entirely from that one episode of The Good Place (or if you, yourself, are perhaps just deeply moved by the word “g’day”), then gather round and enjoy these works of art.

I pull you close and whisper “G’day, Elizabeth, Mick Fanning’s mum. We’re here at the Gold Coast down at Broadbeach and yeah, fair dinkum, we should be supporting Australian businesses"

— Naaman Zhou (@naamanzhou) December 17, 2018

Ladies, if he:
– knows how to ride a horse, fly a plane, f—k a woman
– whispers Gday mate while softly kissing your neck
– just got a big promotion at work

he’s not your man. he’s former Assistant Minister to the Deputy Prime Minister Andrew Broad

— Kishor (@kishor_nr) December 17, 2018

I pull you close, run my strong hands down your back, softly kiss your neck and whisper "Marge… the rains are here"

— Rob Stott (@Rob_Stott) December 17, 2018

"I'm not here to fuck spiders," panted Broad. "But I'm here to fuck you."

— 🌸🌼🐕Patrick Lenton🦖🌼🌸 (@PatrickLenton) December 17, 2018

I forced a bot to watch 1000 hours of Australian pickup lines and then asked it to write a thirsty text exchange of its own. Here is the first page. pic.twitter.com/3LNYBrA7NW

— Josh Butler (@JoshButler) December 17, 2018

"Grouse" he breathed heavily, removing his boardshorts.

— 🌸🌼🐕Patrick Lenton🦖🌼🌸 (@PatrickLenton) December 17, 2018

As the song goes, there’s no aphrodisiac like whispering g’day mate

— Michael Koziol (@michaelkoziol) December 17, 2018

The name's Broad. Andrew Broad. pic.twitter.com/JsbeaAqZ2A

— Junkee (@junkee) December 17, 2018

Okay, sorry for totally ruining the phrase “g’day mate”. At least we’ve still got “fair dinkum”. They’ll never take that from… oh, wait, never mind.

I know that politicians ruin a lot of things but I never thought "g'day, mate" would be one of them. #auspol

— Garrett Townsend (@garrtown) December 17, 2018