‘Game of Thrones’ Power Rankings: The North Remembers (That They Hate Your Guts)
Power Rankings are back! Who won? Who lost? Who died in horrible disturbing ways? Let's rank them.
Wow, has it really been TWO YEARS since we did this thing? What have you been up to?
Me? Why, I’ve just been relaxing in this mansion I own from the fortune I made in Digital Media, smoking opium while surrounded by small designer dogs dressed in coats covered in real rubies. JK, all I did in the last two years was turn 30 and vomit on a street in Bali in front of approximately 70,000 American tourists. Don’t fucking ask what I’ve been doing, I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
2017, huh? What a time that was! Our prime minister was Turnbull, Taylor Swift happened again, we incessantly Instagrammed ourselves watching Get Out to prove that we did. We also watched a show called Game of Thrones which was nothing like a game, unless a game is something that repeatedly breaks your heart and kicks you in the guts and makes you learn weird spellings of names that don’t even exist.
I’m not going to recap season 7, because you have the same access to podcasts that I do, but it was so silly and so sexy and oh maybe I actually don’t remember what happened?
Who cares lol — LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!!!!
Winners
Arya (8 points)
Have you ever been on your way to a party and you’re like, “Hey I wonder if it’s better if I don’t tell people I’m coming” in the hope that when you get there everyone is like “OMG!!!” and they mistake their surprise for seeing you for liking you 10000 times more than they actually do?
I’m just saying.
“I’m sneaking up on you here, do you love me.”
“I’m over here now, do you love me.”
“do you love me.”
Before Arya read from several “we’re reunited, am I mad about it?” scripts she had been writing on spec for seven to eight years, she spent her time trying out some different frowns while ⅞ of the cast arrived at Winterfell.
Is the opposite of a Faceless Man an Extremely Faced Girl?
Arya was the winner this episode because she had many pleasant reunions.
“Hello, The Hound and Gendry!” says Arya. “You are a cold little bitch,” says The Hound, which I think means ‘Good to see you’ in England. Then… it gets saucy.
Gendry: “You look good.”
Arya: “So do you.”
(Is this how you have sex in the North.)
“It’s too cold to take my clothes off, m’lady, are you my girlfriend now, does frowning mean ‘yes’.”
Euron (8 points)
This was a good week for Euron!
He still had his niece Yara tied up in his ship, and everyone felt fine about it. He wouldn’t kill Yara because he liked saying things like, “I’M GONNA FUCK THE QUEEN!” while his eyes looked like they were trying to escape his head and his tongue looked like it was trying to escape his mouth, while someone stared at him in disgust.
“can you just kill me.”
“No because I’m going to say something profane in a minute…”
“AND I WANT YOU TO HEAR IT!!!!”
“I wonder if everyone has such trouble with the sibling of their parent.”
Nevermind.
He also got some cold, English loving.
Euron and New Character arrive in King’s Landing with the army Cersei bought. New Character did not bring elephants. Cersei is devastated. (Quick question: does Cersei think that elephants can fly.)
“I was told there would be elephants. There is no horror, no disappointment that could ever feel worse this fact.”
“Let’s have sex.”
So, they do have sex, because as the ancient proverb goes “the best thing about being a woman/is the prerogative to have a little fun (yeah)”.
“I really wanted those elephants,” says Cersei afterwards as she stares sadly into the distance, the deep sadness of a woman who could be riding an elephant right now, but who cannot escape the fact that she is simply not riding an elephant.
Euron, not an elephant, puts on his pants. “Do I please the queen,” he says, as she sips a glass of ‘maybe I’m not pregnant?’ wine.
“I guess,” she says.
“Please fuck off, this interaction is now complete and I must continue with my problem drinking.”
“I wonder what it feels like to have the wind rush through your short, pointy hair while you are riding on your elephant.”
Dany (7 points)
Queen of entrances!! Dany did well in terms of getting attention and kisses, but look the meet and greet was a little rocky.
“Hey girl!!!!! I love your crib!!!!! Is that your natural hair??? It’s lit!!! Omg Cersei is so washed!!!! Thank you, next – right Sansa!!!!”
“I want to see a dog tear your insides out.”
Anyway, Dany tells Sansa she is very pretty, Sansa continues to be tall, Jon says “Hello Sansa, this is my girlfriend the Queen –”
“WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!!!!!!!” yells Bran. Jon discovers that Bran is annoying now.
“WHY ISN’T ANYBODY LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!”
“Ah that’s better, would anyone like to ask me ‘What is a Three-Eyed-Raven’ again I can’t wait to not tell you.”
Nobody else seemed to like Dany either.
Little Lyanna Mormont was all, “Hold on a fucking second, did we not chant and waggle our swords about for Jon like two days ago” and Jon is extremely like “it’s fine, let’s relax, yes I do have a girlfriend now, it’s cool, it’s important for you to know that I have a girlfriend now, it’s fine”.
Sansa continues to look at Dany with such intense side-eye, that her eyes actually detached from the sockets and started living near her ears, that’s actually what happened in the show.
See.
Tyrion is like “Don’t worry, I – a foreigner, who they all hate – will talk to them”.
Tyrion: “COMMONERS! YOU ARE WELCOME, MY SISSY IS COMING TO HELP, HAVE YOU SEEN THE DRAGONS, DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH.”
“If you like, I can also show you all how to use a knife and fork.”
“Are you fuckers serious.”
“We’re not sure, we’re sorry Lyanna.”
Ah well, Dany still counts as a winner on account of all those kissies.
Even though she made the unfortunate discovery that her boyfriend is unpopular (“Ah, can you make your sister like me?” — Dany “Don’t worry, she didn’t like me for ages!!!!” — Jon) and repeatedly reminded him that his home is crap and she hates it there (“My dragons don’t like the North!!!”) she still allows Jon to ride her Hippogriff in a very long scene that made him seem like the least dynamic man to have ever lived.
You might be thinking, “Wow it seems pretty soon for him to be riding a dragon’ but I ask you, ‘do you know what flirting is at all???’ So case closed, whatever.
“I am disgusted and yet I must continue to date him because he is my true love, also I don’t know anyone else here.”
They make out very energetically on a snowy, secluded mountain, seems fine.
“You’re having sex with our mother.”
“She is your aunty, why aren’t you listening to us .”
“Why does your hair stick on top like snow dirt, small pink dragon, are you sick.”
Yara (6 points)
Yara was saved by Theon and then immediately invented a reason for him to leave her alone, well done Yara.
“I just really feel like you should complete your destiny of being far away from me.”
Sansa (5 points)
Because when everyone knows you’re mad, it means you’re a success sweetie!!!!!!
*Whatever Ariana Grande song just came out*
Sansa spent most of the episode owning the men around her.
Tyrion was extremely, “hey remember me, wifey!!!” to which Sansa was very “I think you’ll find me meaner and more beautiful now”.
“You are very welcome about my sissy’s army, btw.”
“They are definitely not coming, you are an idiot, I love to be right though.”
(“I’m over here too.)
Later, she reads letters in the dark to prove how mad she is.
Jon Snow aka eMo_LoRd001 says, “Do you not have any faith in me at all, she is a REALLY good queen [citation needed]”.
Sansa: “Is she a good queen or does she just have a colour of hair you haven’t seen before.”
Jon: :0
Lonely Old Men Club (4 points)
After Tyrion and Varys travel to Winterfell in a small carriage because they hate poor people, they join their friend Davos and discuss why they are the cleverest men in the realm/invent talkback radio.
“My good sirs, we MUST contemplate what we want the next development in this great kingdom to be!”
“Ah, but you are right, my lord! I must deduce from this frosty reception that a royal marriage might just be the flame to melt the ice of their hearts…?”
“Inspired! We must set a trap and trick the young wolf and dragon queen to fall in love, we must manipulate them in order to execute this design entirely of our own making, they will be shocked but it is right.”
*Already discussing each other’s genitals*
Losers
Messi and Grey Worm (4 points)
Sam (3 points)
Sam thought he was making a great deal with Dany — asking for a pardon for all the thieving he has been doing sounds like a good idea.
“I have been stealing most profusely!” he said with glee. However, he stopped having glee when Dany casually mentioned that she had recently set Sam’s father on fire until he died.
Sam: “Oh, that makes me very sad, well I better go write my brother.”
Dany: “Ah.”
— no context terrace house (@TerraceHouseCap) April 10, 2019
— no context terrace house (@TerraceHouseCap) April 9, 2019
Jaime (2 points)
“Ah, what a clever boy am I, I will disguise my handsomeness in this black cloak.”
“I am a Good Lannister now, oh the joy I feel that all of my sins have been forgotten as I am Good, what serenity that my new friends do not care about the things I did.”
“OH NO, THAT THING I DID!!!!”
Jon (1 point)
The saddest boy in Westeros had a BAD DAY. His sister hates his girlfriend, his best friend hates his girlfriend and it turned out he has been crying in front of the wrong statue this whole time!!!!!
Haha.
More of that later. Everyone in Winterfell was busy collecting grain, building dragonglass weapons and strategising how to bring disparate kingdoms together.
Meanwhile, Jon was staring at a tree.
“What if Dany had other boyfriends before me.”
Firstly, he failed to convince Arya that Sansa is a know-it-all who knows nothing.
“Sansa is pretty lame, isn’t that right Arya.”
“You fucking idiot, she is smarter than everyone, including you, I actually pity you.”
“Little sissy you must be confused, never fear big brother Jon is here.”
“Didn’t you once lead all the best fighters beyond the wall to catch a single wight.”
“Oh no she’s been reading my tumblr.”
Then he was just having a lovely, gothic afternoon of hanging out in the crypts and contemplating how good it is that no-one cares that he literally RETURNED FROM THE DEAD THAT TIME (business as usual!!!) when Sam very rudely reminded him a) of his girlfriend Dany’s bloodlust (“Would you burn men until they died? – Sam “Um, it depends on the situation!!!!” – Jon) and that b) that he is Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen’s son, oh wait he didn’t know that bit yet.
“LET’S TAKE OVER THE 7 KINGDOMS, BOI!!!!” says Sam the war bro, apparently.
“R + L = You, apparently.”
“How dare you say that in front of the statue of my dead father!!!!”
“Haha.”
This might take a while to sink in. Particularly as Jon’s first reaction was extremely, “IS IT TREASON?” instead of “IS IT INCEST?” because he has never met a problem that he hasn’t misunderstood :)
Death Count
Heaps, but little Ned Umber mostly.
I tell ya, Dark Mofo gets more impressive every year.
WTF WHO KNOWS
Bran
How are you… helping though.
“Bran, you are a man now!”
“Almost.”
“What do you mean, is there something wrong with your privates, Bran.”
SEE YA NEXT WEEK!!
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Sinead Stubbins is a writer from Melbourne who has done stuff for Vulture, The AV Club, Pitchfork, Vice, frankie and Elle. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins.