Flume Reveals He Almost Quit Music Because He Was Drinking To Make Anxiety “Bearable”
"It was getting pretty bad."
Flume has gotten candid on girlfriend Paige Elkington’s podcast, revealing that he seriously considered quitting music after struggling with anxiety around live performances.
Elkington and Flume, aka Harley Streten, are currently social distancing together in Flume’s LA home, and used the time to finally go onto Elkington’s podcast, My Friend Podcast.
The two tackle a lot of things in their chat, including, new music and, of course, that whole Burning Man incident, where Streten ate out Elkington’s arse on stage and became, in his own words, the “opposite of cancelled”. They talk about the weird sensation of going viral and being written up by tabloids, though Flume concedes it was ultimately “kind of a best-case scenario”, joking that it “really did help my career”.
He says while he was upset at first (especially as he reveals that he lost work because of it), he ultimately survived “his first viral storm” with some advice from (continually viral) Diplo. The DJ told him “you can’t pay for this kind of publicity” — to the point where several industry figures have asked him if he planned it.
The two move onto how Streten’s career is at odds with his ‘natural personality’ as a self-described herm, as he found himself essentially in his “worst nightmare” as a public speaker. What starts off light quickly changes, as Flume says anxiety about socialising in the music industry, doing press and performing live caused him to rely on alcohol to get through it.
“When performing, I would drink to calm nerves,” he said. “I would drink to make it bearable, which sounds crazy but really it’s the truth. I’m just not a [natural] performer and I’ve definitely used alcohol to feel comfortable on stage in front of a bunch of people.”
“It’s something that’s taken a long time. Now, I don’t drink before shows because I realised it was becoming a pattern, and it was getting pretty bad doing these long tours and using booze like that.”
“I’m in a position I’m in because I spent a fuck-time of time in my room alone, and I got good at what I do because of that. And as soon as I get some attention, it’s like ‘cool, lets put you in front of 1000 people, lets put you in front of 5000 people, lets put you in front of a stadium’. And it’s amazing — I’m grateful for it and it’s incredible — but in my skillset, it’s not in my wheelhouse… it’s something I’ve had to manage and work around.”
Streten clarifies that he does love touring and seeing the world, but it’s a difficult balance.
“The second I get to a festival I’m riddled with anxiety,” he says. “Even to this day, I still get anxious and I’m not really having fun till a few songs in — there are times where that changes, like with the new show and the actions… the older I get and the more I do this, the more fun I have on stage.”
At one point, Flume compares himself to Avicii, who died in 2018 at age 28. “I think people like Avicii are literally the same as me,” he said. “And he died because he was medicating himself just like I was, with alcohol, drugs, whatever. He wasn’t happy.”
Flume says he was never pushed like the Swedish DJ was, and credits his manager and team who respect his mental health. Still, he attempted to “push through” his anxiety for five years or so (around 2017, just after the release of Skin), but didn’t — prompting him to see a therapist.
“I got to a point where I was like, I don’t want to do this anymore,” he said. “I don’t want to use alcohol [like this], I think I want to quit.”
“I went to a therapist and I was like ‘I hate my job, and it’s fucked that I can even say that because I have an incredible job that people dream of having. I feel like a bad person for saying that, but I love making music but I hate touring.’ It’s true: I’m not cut out for this.”
Therapy, not drinking, and beginning to take anti-depressants helped, despite being at first resistant to the idea of medication. He says it’s helped him outside of work, too, as he’s struggled with social anxiety for his whole life, to the point where ordering a coffee has proven difficult at times.
He describes his medication as a “silver bullet”, used alongside meditation, therapy and not drinking, which lets him tour while managing anxiety. He describes his work/life balance as dramatically better, and says he’s never been happier.
Listen below.