Film

Six Potential Plot Ideas For Star Wars Episode VII

Last week, JJ Abrams' Star Wars Episode VII was given a confirmed release date of December 18, 2015. We've got some ideas for it.

With the JJ Abrams-helmed Star Wars Episode VII now being given a concrete release date of December 18, 2015, and news that writer Michael Arndt’s original script has been “taken over” by Abrams and Empire Strikes Back writer Lawrence Kasdan, writer Jaymz Clements pitches them some unmissable plot ideas. Hey, they can’t be any worse than The Phantom Menace.

Star Wars Episode VII: Avenging The Jedi

Opening crawl:

The Empire is defeated. The rebels have formed a new government, and rule with justice and compassion.

A mysterious power is threatening the galaxy, and our heroes Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Leia Organa and the Wookie Chewbacca are threatened.

Help arrives in the form of a wormhole, delivering some curious strangers from another dimension…

Synopsis:

A big-budget action thriller, combining all your favourite characters with a nonsensical plot! Or, Star Wars meets Marvel.

Story:

An inter-dimensional wormhole deposits Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, Captain America, Black Widow and Hawkeye on Endor. After The Avengers slaughter dozens of ewoks, Chewbacca — who is enjoying an idyll retirement and runs a reggae bar on the forest moon — pleads with them to stop, convincing them that the ewoks are harmless (even though they just killed Hawkeye). The strangers team up with Luke, Han, Leia, Lando Calrissian and the droids R2-D2 and C-3PO to battle a nebulous and apparently all-encompassing evil that no one can really explain very well.

An entire city is ruined without, somehow, any civilian casualties. Luke rides on the back of a dragon that’s inexplicably involved. R2-D2 does something funny involving Hulk. Admiral Ackbar appears yelling “It’s a trap!”, and is swiftly killed. Eventually, the evil is destroyed — let’s say by Nien Nunb — and the strangers return to their own dimension with the vague allusion that they might be back in the future and that Luke and co. could come visit “anytime!”.

Star Wars Episode VII: Crystal Blue Harvest  

StarWars_BB

Opening crawl:

It’s a quiet time for the galaxy. On the desert planet of Tatooine, Han Solo and Leia Organa Solo are raising a family.

Former Jedi Luke Skywalker has returned to Dagobah to search for meaning, and to escape the sinister forces marshalling against him.

Chewbacca, C-3PO and Lando Calrissian rush to enlist Han and Leia in a rescue operation, but first they must find a babysitter…

Synopsis:

From Skywalker to Scarface.

Story:

Han Solo and Leia Organa Solo are raising a brood of sixteen children on a rundown moisture farm. They’re penniless due to Han’s “never tell me the odds” approach to gambling. Han also does part-time work for a drug-enforcement agency combating the scourge of ‘spice’, a notorious drug, and spends the rest of his time collecting nice-looking rocks he finds on Tatooine.

Meanwhile, former Jedi-turned-spice kingpin Luke Skywalker is hiding from the law on Dagobah. His patented brand of ‘blue lightsaber’ spice has cost the lives of four 19-year-old Sullustans, and landed him — along with his cooking partner/mixing receptacle, R2-D2 — on the galaxy’s ‘Most Wanted’ list. He now faces the death sentence in 12 systems.

Chewbacca, C-3PO and Lando Calrissian — who now operate a carwash together — convince Han to join them in helping Luke because he’s got 80 million in Republic credits buried in barrels somewhere on Hoth.

Star Wars Episode VII: About Time, Jedi

Opening crawl:

It is a time of peace and prosperity for the galaxy. Han Solo and Leia Organa are moving to Coruscant, the Galaxy’s seat of power, in order for Leia to take up a new role.

Leaving Chewbacca’s reggae bar on Endor, Luke Skywalker, Lando Calrissian and their Wookie companion set off on a road-trip in the Millennium Falcon to visit their friends, and are suddenly pursued by pirates…

Meanwhile, back on Coruscant, Leia is worried that Han is yet to propose…

Synopsis:

A romantic comedy about a group of friends trying to get together for the holidays. But they get more than they bargained for!

Story:

It’s the holidays! The Empire has been defeated and Han Solo and Leia Organa have moved into a high-priced condo in the centre of Coruscant to further Leia’s political career and Han’s burgeoning financial forecasting business, ‘I’ve Got A Bad Feeling About This’. Leia is anxious about Han’s feelings for her: every time she tells him she loves him, he replies with a simple “I know”. It’s getting old, and she’s hoping for some commitment.

Meanwhile, while casually conversing on the Millennium Falcon during their road-trip to visit Han and Leia, Luke Skywalker, Lando Calrissian and their Wookie companion Chewbacca suddenly realise they all slept with the same woman back on Ord Mantell. Also, Luke is upset by the fact that all the ladies he tries to talk to in bars keep asking “Aren’t you a bit short for a financial consultant?”

The gang eventually get to Coruscant, where Leia surprises them with a delicious dinner. Lando decides to go back to Ord Mantell and propose to the woman. Unfortunately, she turns out to be his sister.

Star Wars Episode VII: Weekend At Chewies

StarWars_Chewies

Opening crawl:

The Empire is defeated. The nascent Rebels have formed a New Republic, bringing liberty and order to the galaxy.

Luke Skywalker, in his efforts to resurrect the Jedi Order, has set up a Jedi Academy on the fourth moon of Yavin.

While visiting his primary investor to explain his dire financial state, Luke encounters a troubling situation…

Synopsis:

A raucous comedy, starring Tom Hanks as Luke Skywalker.

Story: 

Having borrowed significant capital from the Wookie Chewbacca (who’s now president of a speeder-bike gang on the party planet of Cato Neimoidia), Luke is pursued by sinister debt collectors seeking renumeration for a shipment of robes, lightsaber crystals, and a motion-detecting talking Yoda sculpture.

While visiting his primary investor to explain his financial situation, Luke, along with his buddy Lando (now a social media consultant on Kamino), discover that Chewbacca is deceased, but they must act as though he’s alive and convince a party of fellow bikies to drop Luke’s debt. Hijinks ensue, and R2-D2 gets an STI: he should’ve known better than to trust strange computers.

Star Wars Episode VII: Attack Of The Cones (aka Luke & Landos Excellent Adventure)

Opening crawl:

The Empire has fallen; the rebels are victorious. With the galaxy safe and sound, Luke Skywalker and Lando Calrissian move into a flat together.

On the way to the store for snacks and power converters, the pair encounter a drug dealer called Darth Skeezey, who takes violent umbrage at a perceived slight.

Luke and Lando attempt to escape by hiding in a holophone-box… only for it to throw them back in time.

Synopsis:

Time-travelling stoner buddy comedy. Keanu Reeves plays Luke Skywalker.

Story:

Luke and Lando have moved into a flat in Tosche Station and become small-time dealers of a drug named ‘Dantooine Dust’, while working on their band ‘Lando And The New Jedi Order’. Due to an outstanding Dantooine Dust bill, Darth Skeezey wants them dead.

Luke left R2-D2 in a spaceport somewhere in the Outer Rim when he was high, and Lando hocked C-3PO for drug money at a nearby pawn shop. Having turned his lightsaber into the galaxy’s most wicked bong, Luke and Lando are forced to run away, hiding in a holophone-box, which is accidentally launched back in time, where they encounter a motley group of historical figures.

The pair befriend these figures, realise the error of their ways and make it back to the present in time to stop Darth Skeezey from turning teenagers onto drugs by performing a song by Lando And The New Jedi Order. Luke ends the movie by turning to the audience and yelling “Tosche Station High School football rules!”

Star Wars Episode VII: The Mandalorian Candidate 

StarWars_Homeland

Opening crawl:

It is a time of harmony and peace. The evil Empire is no more. Han Solo and his Wookie companion Chewbacca are travelling when they are attacked by terrorists.

Taken prisoner and forced to kill Chewie, Han is eventually rescued and returned to his family eight years later.

But Jedi Master and New Republic intelligence analyst Luke Skywalker believes Han was turned by the terrorists and is actually a sleeper agent. He rushes to the Galaxy’s capital, Coruscant, to stop a potential disaster…

Synopsis:

A riveting political spy thriller.

Story:

Han and Chewie have a very successful partnership, but they’re taken prisoner by Mandalorian terrorist forces and forced to fight to the death. Han is commanded to kill Chewie after the Wookie refuses to hurt his long-time best friend. This irrevocably damages Han, and it’s not clear whether or not he’s sided with the terrorists.

Leia and her children are worried by Han’s reappearance, with Han’s eldest daughter in particular having a hard time adapting to her long-absent father. Han and Leia struggle to rekindle their love for each other.

Lando grows a beard and becomes head of Republic intelligence, and isn’t sure if Luke’s suspicions about Han are true or not. All he knows is that this deal is getting worse all the time. R2-D2 and C-3PO run a surveillance team tasked to watching Han 24/7.

Yeah. You’re right. It’s just Homeland.

Jaymz is a New York-based writer (originally from Melbourne, and the former Editor of triple j magazine), super-yacht enthusiast, hi-tech jewel thief and Bengal tiger trainer. He enjoys wearing monocles, finely spiced rum, constructing pillow forts, and zip-lining from Hong Kong skyscrapers. You can find him on twitter via @jaymzclements