Culture

Feud Over Chiko Roll Threatens To Tear Parliament, Nation Apart

The fried food controversy has taken Canberra by storm.

With the government wracked by infighting and the Senate filled with loons, it’s safe to say that things in Canberra are a little uneasy right now. And yet it may be something as simple as a fried tube of processed vegetables that brings this whole democracy experiment crashing down around our ears.

Derryn Hinch Fell Asleep In Parliament On His First Day In The Senate, And It Was Glorious

The first shots in Australia’s tastiest political controversy were fired yesterday by NSW National MP and sometimes-Elvis impersonator Andrew Gee, who used his maiden speech in parliament to stake a claim to that most iconic of Aussie foodstuffs, the Chiko Roll. “I know that you Mr. Deputy Speaker, the Deputy Prime Minister and dare I say it the Prime Minister himself would all be fans of the Chiko Roll,” said Gee. “Well they were made in Bathurst.”

Little did Gee realise the fried food firestorm his words would unleash. Barely had the incendiary syllables left his lips before the representative from Riverina Michael McCormack hit back. “It was launched at the 1951 Wagga Wagga Agricultural Society Show!” McCormack told the ABC, his eyes blazing with righteous indignation (I assume).

“We have in our Riverina Museum in Wagga Wagga the Gold Chiko Roll given to us by the manufacturers, acknowledging the fact that Wagga Wagga is home of the Chiko Roll,” he said.

But while a golden Chiko may sound like irrefutable evidence, it wasn’t long before an MP from Victoria threw her hat into the ring as well. In another shocking twist in this vegetable oil-soaked saga, the Member for Bendigo Lisa Chesters called the claims of her parliamentary colleagues “outrageous.”

“I’d strongly request the National Party to do their research, at least start with the back of the packet,” said Chesters. “It says on the back of the packet that the Chiko Roll was born in Bendigo.”

Of course while we here at Junkee admire their passion, it’s clear that these three snack-mad politicians are missing that point. It doesn’t matter where the Chiko Roll began. What’s important is that it exists at all.

For you see, the Chiko Roll belongs to all of us. It doesn’t matter what state you were born in, or what political party you ascribe to. The Chiko Roll tastes the same either way. Like the rising and the setting of the sun, the Chiko Roll is forever, its oily musk a testament to everything that makes this country great.

Praise be to the Chiko Roll, may its glory never fade.

Feature image via Michael McCormack/Facebook