Eminem Wants To Be Relevant, Threatens To Punch Lana Del Rey

Oh, Eminem. These semi-annual attempts to remind the world of your ongoing importance are becoming as welcome an event as your average STI.

Witness, for example, today’s exercise in low-quality outrage baiting. In the middle of a hilariously self-serious 18-and-a-half minute acapella freestyle video (Jesus, have these people never heard of editing?) dedicated to promoting Eminem’s forthcoming Shady Records retrospective, Shady XV, Eminem dropped the following doozy:

“But I may fight for gay rights, especially if they dyke is more of a knockout than Janay Rice

Play nice? Bitch I’ll punch Lana Del Rey right in the face twice,

like Ray Rice in broad daylight in the plain sight of the elevator surveillance

’Til her head is banging on the railing, then celebrate with the Ravens.”

Things we can learn from these lyrics:

1. Eminem only believes in equal rights for lesbians if the women involved are of sufficient hotness. One presumes this will be important news for the gay rights lobby.

2. Eminem is so “not nice” that he will, apropos of nothing, punch Lana Del Rey – a woman who has previously declared her lifelong admiration for him – twice. In the face.

3. Eminem admires Ray Rice’s audacity in slugging his girlfriend while he knew the cameras were rolling. If only the rest of us were so brave, ‘ey fellas?

4. After leaving Lana concussed inside an elevator, Eminem will celebrate his manliness/ability to spit sick rhymes by having beers with the Baltimore Ravens. Given that he was fired from the Ravens for his own elevator misadventures, Ray Rice will probably not be in attendance.

5. Eminem does not understand what qualifies as an “appropriate” analogy.

6. Eminem also does not understand that the digital age means you can record things more than once, even if they are freestyle raps.

Lana herself has not yet responded, but really why would you have to when Azealia Banks is around?

@LanaDelRey tell him to go back to his trailer park and eat his microwave hotpocket dinner and suck on his sisters tiddies.

— AZEALIA BANKS (@AZEALIABANKS) November 11, 2014

Indeed.

–

H/t Pitchfork.