Eleven International Sporting Team Uniforms That Should Be Burned In A Pit

Designing uniforms for international sporting events like the Olympic and Commonwealth Games is one of fashion’s biggest challenges. First, there’s the logistical difficulty of finding styles and fabrics to flatter brawny hammer-throwers, lanky basketballers and tiny gymnasts alike.

Then there’s the problem of conveying nationalism sartorially. You could plump for a kind of bland elegance halfway between a flight attendant and a cricketer, but blazers and slacks don’t really say anything unique. Or you could make quirky use of your national dress, symbols or flag colours, and run the risk of looking ridiculous.

The 2014 Commonwealth Games kick off in Glasgow on 23 July, and the home team’s uniforms have already sparked embarrassment and ridicule around the world. No wonder they call it a kilt, because I looked at this and am now dead.

The blue patterned wrap dresses and matching men’s shirts aren’t that bad on their own, but then they’re teamed with a strobing tartan of hot pink, aqua and baby-poo brown. “There will be no mistaking that this is the Scottish team as they proudly step out at the opening ceremony,” said designer Jilli Blackwood. No shit.

Sadly for the world’s eyes, this is by no means the first time a nation’s athletes have had to smile stoically while looking like a walking nightmare. Here are twelve other terrible Commonwealth and Olympic uniforms, past and present.

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Australia, 2014 Commonwealth Games

I could have picked any year, really. Green and gold are pretty hard to make look stylish – you can end up with muddy olive and urine yellow. In 2010, the Australian team wore shiny taupe suits despite Delhi’s 40-degree heat, and the athletes sweated horribly into their zany aqua, emerald, yellow and orange shirts.

Many countries love a White Pant for their formal uniforms, but this year Australia has chosen the more dispiriting Dove-Grey Pant, cinched by the kind of belts McDonald’s crew used to wear in the ’90s. Still, I actually quite like the chunky Kermit-green jumpers – as if nana was worried about those nice boys and girls getting cold in Glasgow, and knitted up a storm.

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Malaysia, 2014 Commonwealth Games

Malaysia’s coat of arms features two tigers – the country’s official national animal. Hence the tiger stripes on their bright orange uniforms at this year’s Games. This would be a bit like the Australian athletes wearing kangaroo pouches – although perhaps that might explain the strange overlapping layers on our latest Commonwealth Games jackets.

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Malaysia, 2012 Summer Olympics

In 2012, Malaysia upped the tiger quotient with these pointy hats. I realise they are traditional headpieces called tengkolok, but basically, these guys looked like birthday candles.

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Mexico, 2012 Summer Olympics

Everyone seems to have a different outfit on. Did the Mexican team sit down in a community hall for a uniform sewing bee just before heading to London, decorating their own shirts and ponchos from a big pile of appliqués in the middle of the table?

Actually, I would love to hold an appliqué bee – that would be so much fun.

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Spain, 2012 Summer Olympics

At least Spain had the excuse of having gone broke in the GFC and being forced to accept charity uniforms made in Russia that make them look like they worth for a cheap rip-off of Hungry Jack’s. Spanish rower Saul Craviotto tweeted: “I’d better not comment. I leave that to you.” The women’s uniform, meanwhile, featured a lurid flight attendant jacket and a bag shaped like a flamenco fan.

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Russia, 1996 Summer Olympics

For such a homophobic country, Russia is apparently happy to don uniforms that look like they were designed by noted gay-sex-haver Keith Haring. If you thought it was just a coincidence – how come their 2012 Olympic uniform also looks Haring-esque? Someone’s a fan of decadent Western art.

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Japan, 2004 Summer Olympics

Well I think it’s adorable that grandma took her summer holidays in Athens.

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Scotland, 1998 Commonwealth Games

This is perhaps even fuglier than the new Scottish uniforms. The men look bad enough in their sad, baggy salmon-pink polo shirts. But the women’s skirt manages to combine tartan and floral… on a sarong.

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Australia, 1992 Summer Olympics

I did not realise we sent a bunch of high-school geography teachers to Barcelona that year. The sensible sunhats! The knee-length walk shorts! The scrunchy socks!

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Soviet Union, 1976 Winter Olympics

In Communist Russia, hat wears you.

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Mel Campbell is a freelance journalist and cultural critic, and the founding editor of online pop culture magazine The Enthusiast. She blogs on style, history and culture at Footpath Zeitgeist and tweets at @incrediblemelk.

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Feature image via BBC.