Eight Ways To Avoid Having The Worst New Year’s Eve Ever, According To The Movies

In Hollywood, there’s no black or white: New Year’s Eve is either a moment to celebrate, rejoice and welcome a fresh start, or a time to cry tears of gin and pain into a box of leftovers and chocolate biscuits.

So as a way of helping you have the best New Year’s Eve possible, let’s look to the movies.

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1. Don’t get slaughtered by a mask-wearing maniac

Sure, this should be obvious, but drink enough alcohol on New Year’s Eve and you never know what might happen. New Year’s Evil (1980) is not very good, and exists purely because director Sean S. Cunningham and writer Victor Miller had a hit seven months earlier with Friday The 13th and wanted to keep the date-bound slasher theme going. It’s utterly bonkers and kinda boring, but does offer some useful advice: beware of strangers bearing cheap imitation champagne!

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2. Do mend fences with an old friend

Sex And The City: The Movie (2008) has a bad reputation, but one of its strongest elements is in the way it looks at the very real way friends can so easily drop from our lives. If you’re in a situation like Carrie and Miranda, then maybe New Year’s Eve is the perfect time to drop everything and rekindle a friendship over dumplings. New Year’s Eve is not the perfect time to drop everything and rekindle that old flame over whiskey shots, however.

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3. Don’t get on an ocean liner in rough seas

It’s best to stay on solid ground on New Year’s Eve for various reasons, not least of which is the fear that your expensive booze cruise could find itself toppled by a freak tsunami. The Poseidon Adventure (1972) terrified me as a youngster — not so much Poseidon (2006), the Fergalicious remake — but the film is basically one big recommendation for “I’m having a quiet night in.” As Maureen McGovern’s 1972 Oscar-winning song suggests, there’s got to be a morning after. For many, it will hopefully only be bleary-eyed and hungover.

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4. Do respond to that Craigslist ad

“I guess I’m lonely and it’s New Year’s Eve and I’m willing to embarrass the hell out of myself.” Sound familiar? New Year’s Eve is a staple of the romantic comedy genre, but one of the lesser known that should go right to the top of any viewing schedule is In Search Of A Midnight Kiss (2007). The film’s black and white, rambled series of events structure and barely functional twenty-something characters make it feel like a precursor to this year’s delightful Frances Ha and today’s misanthropic Buzzfeed culture. Plus it stars my future husband, Scoot McNairy.

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5. Don’t get involved in international intrigue

Heatwave (1982) is an Australian film from another era, one where mainstream thrillers were common, even if they were set amidst the apparent hotbed of intrigue that is architecture. It stars Judy Davis as an enviro-protester who gets caught up in Sydney’s seedy underworld, culminating in a fevered, sweaty New Year Eve in King’s Cross and an exciting, hectic chase through rowdy revellers.

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6. Do profess your love

Without a doubt the two best New Year’s films are When Harry Met Sally (1989) and Holiday (1938). The former is well-known for its sparkling dialogue courtesy of Nora Ephron, that delicatessen orgasm sequence, and Billy Crystal’s New Year’s Eve declaration of love to BFF Meg Ryan that gives hope to romantics everywhere.

Not to be forgotten, though, are Cary Grant and Katharine Hepburn in George Cukor’s Holiday, starring as soon to be in-laws who, wouldn’t you just know it, realise they are the ones who belong together. I’m tempted to say that Grant and Hepburn were never as irresistible together as they are here, but whatever the case, Holiday is a wonderfully funny good time.

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7. Don’t think about dystopian futures

People can have a lot of dark thoughts in their head on New Year’s Eve, so it’s perhaps not wise to spend it watching Strange Days (1995). On the other hand, if you’re not one for the gooey sentiments found in the above rom-coms then Kathryn Bigelow’s NYE-set sci-fi thriller is for you! Personally, the thought of spending my night with Angela Bassett, Juliette Lewis, and sexy mid-‘90s Ralph Fiennes sounds awesome, but then I’m also not on the run from government agencies for selling black market snuff films.

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8. Do pretend you’re hanging with Courtney Love, Christina Ricci and Paul Rudd, circa 1999

Before the horrendous New Year’s Eve (2011) attempted to become the definitive seasonal film, 200 Cigarettes got the jump on Y2K celebrations with this all-star comedy. The cast is a who’s who of late ‘90s hip (although it’s set in the ’80s before the decade was hip again): Courtney Love, Christina Ricci, Paul Rudd, Ben and Casey Affleck, Janeane Garofalo, Martha Plimpton, Dave Chappelle, Gaby Hoffman, Kate Hudson, Angela Featherstone, Jay Mohr, Elvis Costello as himself, and even an uncredited Josh Radnor as ‘Punk at Bar’.

As it attempted to be everything at once — cynical, hopeful, smart-ass, cutesy — it never quite came together. However, viewing it 15 years later, it’s almost impossible not to be won over by the nostalgia of two different eras. Watching breakthrough ‘90s celebrities in ‘80s costumes on the streets of New York’s Lower East Side is everything I never knew I wanted in life in 1999. In retrospect, 200 Cigarettes was ahead of its time, if still not a total success.

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And just know that it doesn’t matter whether you’re going out partying or staying in with Chinese food and movies, Mariah Carey will always be there to soothe your soul with her haunting rendition of ‘Auld Lang Syne’.

Happy New Year’s, and here’s to 2014!

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Glenn Dunks is a freelance writer and film critic from Melbourne, and currently based in New York City. His work has been seen online (Onya Magazine, Quickflix), in print (The Big Issue, Metro Magazine, Intellect Books Ltd’s World Film Locations: Melbourne), as well as heard on Joy 94.9.