Culture

Donald Trump Is Running For President Because Life Is Absolutely Ridiculous

The world dreamed a little dream and it came true :')

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ARISE, PATRIOTS. A NEW HERO IS BORN.

About seven hours ago, accompanied by his family and the ghosts of the Founding Fathers, billionaire reality TV show star and glazed ham Donald Trump officially announced his intention to seek the Republican nomination for the Presidency of the United States in 2016. The music blared, the crowd cheered, and somewhere a bald eagle was shot, stuffed and mounted atop Trump Tower to commemorate the momentous occasion.

That single announcement yielded a bag of screw-ups that would put any other presidential candidate on their heels — those inexplicably enthusiastic people who turned up for the launch are actually paid actors, people are picking over his Democrat-leaning donation record, and Trump oozed onstage to Neil Young’s ‘Rockin’ in the Free World’ without bothering to get permission from the artist, who is an avid supporter of left-wing Democrat candidate Bernie Sanders. Trump also promised to build a “great wall” between the US and Mexico and called Mexican immigrants “rapists,” rapidly establishing his bona fides as a run-of-the-mill racist dirtbag that may actually make his chances of winning the Republican nomination a bit more realistic.

But the regular rules of political campaigns don’t really apply to Trump, partly because he is an orange rolled in dog fur, but mainly because he hasn’t got a single chance in Hell of winning. Political analysis site FiveThirtyEight noted that Trump is widely disliked even inside the Republican Party and declared he “has a better chance of cameoing in another Home Alone movie with Macaulay Culkin — or playing in the NBA Finals — than winning the Republican nomination,” while the New York Times, which sketches out a hypothetical path to victory for each candidate, just shrugged and came up with this:

But none of that negativity can stop Donald Trump. He is more than the haters.

At least if he wins we get to feel smugly superior to Americans again, like back in the Bush days. Simpler times.