Oh, By The Way, Crocodiles Are Having Orgies In Queensland

I can’t stop thinking about a saltwater crocodile orgy spotted in Queensland.

It happened a month ago. But some things are so quintessentially Australian that they stay with you forever. Etched into your mind, scarred into your very soul. Our wildlife has given us many such phenomena – from python parasites in people’s brains to possums trashing people’s offices.

Now it seems we can add horny polyamorous crocodiles to our collective cultural memory. Last month, a crocodile farmer in far North Queensland told the ABC that a Chinook helicopter prompted a 300-strong croc orgy.

Farmer John Lever explained that the vibrations from the helicopters are sometimes mistaken as mating sounds by the crocs on his farm. “There’s something about the sonic waves that really gets them stirred up,” he said.

This particular orgy was triggered by a military exercise conducted over Australian airspace by Singaporean chinook pilots. “All the big males got up and roared and bellowed at the sky,” said Lever. After the aircraft left, the males “mated like mad”.

Obviously, this news is strange, perhaps even distressing. I mean, at a time like this, we must think about Bob Katter. The man famously said of same-sex marriage and sexual freedom in Australia: “Let a thousand blossoms bloom,” before pivoting to the real issue of Australian families being eaten by crocodiles. One must wonder if his encouragement of blossoms blooming extends to those crocs.

But before Mr Katter attempts to motion legislation that bans all Chinook helicopters from flying over croc farms, there are other explanations for those horny crocs’ behaviour. Mainly, it’s mating season.

Dr Cameron Baker, an ecologist from Charles Sturt University, explained that the moist October air lets the crocodiles know it’s time to mate. Rainfall and thunderstorms are big triggers for our favourite big, horny reptiles. However, it’s not known exactly why certain sounds like thunder and helicopters make crocs so frisky. The prevailing theory, according to Dr Baker, is that vibrations from storms and aircraft mimic the low vibrations of male crocodile mating calls.

Not ones for monogamy, both male and female crocs mate with as many partners as they can to produce as many eggs as possible. “They’re quite promiscuous,” Dr Baker said.

I, for one, support these horny crocodiles. But, of course, my thoughts remain with Bob Katter during this trying time.