Culture

If Cookie Monster’s Real Name Isn’t Actually Cookie Monster Then Who On Earth Am I?

I am literally spiralling right now.

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I am slowly but surely losing my grip on reality, thanks to Sesame Street stalwart Cookie Monster tweeting that his real name is actually — wait for it — Sid.

You heard it here first, folks. Your favourite furry blue biscuit fan isn’t called Cookie Monster at all. It’s not Cookie Monster! It’s just bloody Sid. I do not want to be dramatic, but this is just the latest in what feels like a constant string of falsehoods and subterfuge that I have been fed throughout my life, and personally, I have had enough.

When Socrates said “I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing,” I can only assume that he too had found out that Cookie Monster’s real name was Sid, and was freaking the fuck out accordingly.

By the way, if this hasn’t been enough to digest, Mr.¬†Snuffleupagus’ first name is reportedly¬†Aloysius, and Peppermint Patty of Peanuts fame? Patricia Reichardt.

I don’t know, maybe this is what being an adult is. Remembering that at least you have the memory of Cookie Monster, and then realising that he isn’t Cookie Monster after all, but some blue furry weirdo with the birth name of an 87-year-old man.

And where does that leave us? Are you, in fact, who you are? Am I, indeed, who I am?

We don’t know; we can’t know, and that’s what Cookie Monster — sorry, Sid — has, despite the pain he’s caused, gifted us.

A newfound appreciation for the supremely fickle and volatile world that we inhabit. There’s nothing that we can do to change it. And maybe that’s ok. As the muppet so pithily put it himself, “it’s good enough for me.”