Spoilers for Gilmore Girls: A Year In The Life.

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The dust has settled around the Stars Hollow set, and fans around the world are sleeping soundly now that the piece of steaming crap that was season 7 has been rectified by Gilmore Girls: A Year In The Life. JUST KIDDING, everything you have ever loved will slowly die in the form of revisits and remakes.

The outrage over the mini-series is palpable around the world, with fans decrying Amy Sherman-Palladino’s decision to have the last (four) words. And okay, there were a few good bits. Emily totally came into her own, Jess was there briefly, Lorelai and Luke were pretty cute, Paris was incredible. But apart from that, it was a travesty from beginning to end — and I’m here to tell you why.

The Same Old Lazy Discrimination

One of the biggest debates in the lead-up to the series was whether or not the writers would finally consider a little diversity and stamp out the discrimination that the original series was rife with. Sadly, Stars Hollow is still whiter than a Wes Anderson film, though if you squint a little, you’ll notice a few people of colour hanging out as extras in the background.

There was also some added transphobia too, great great great.

Cool! pic.twitter.com/bpoPAlWFPH

— Margaret Lyons (@margeincharge) November 27, 2016

Homophobia is still boringly rampant, with a single gay man in the village suddenly appearing, and Michel talking about a husband that we never actually meet. Fat-shaming is on the agenda, with an entire scene in the ‘Summer’ episode dedicated to making fun of a fat man — both to his face and behind his back. Hiiiiilarious, 10/10 points for relevancy!

Rory’s Career Trajectory

This is the ongoing plot point that has plagued my nightmares. The Atlantic has already done a very good job of looking at why Rory is a terrible journalist, but please bear with me while I pile on top.

Firstly, if Rory is in her 30s, what has she been doing since college? Do Americans go to uni for 10 to 15 years to get a journalism qualification? And how can she afford to fly everywhere all the time? Is she aware that as a writer, you’re probably going to earn less money than the pimply kid who serves you at Maccas? Oh, and if your mother who goddamn raised you tearfully asks you not to write a book about her, maybe don’t do it anyway.

The thing that pissed me off most about this entire farce was that Rory’s career could have been so much better. Yes, a young female writer with little direction who makes a whole bunch of mistakes is (all too) relatable, but did she have to be such an entitled dick along the way?

Where is the Rory that was strong and feisty but also wanted to fight for things, and would never be rude to a potential employer or fall asleep while doing an interview? Call me nostalgic, but I expected more.

Rory’s Love Life

Let’s start with Paul. Who is Paul? That’s the eternal joke, and oh what a rip-snorter it is. You see, it’s funny because everyone, including Paul’s girlfriend, keeps forgetting about his very existence! I’m really not sure what the point of that storyline was, other than to add to Rory’s look-at-me-I’m-having-a-boring-crisis situation and make her seem like an edgy modern woman who could string along anyone she liked.

Peaks and valleys, kid. pic.twitter.com/EJ3RChewJx

— Gilmore Girls (@GilmoreGirls) December 3, 2016

And Logan. I mean yes he was engaged, she had a boyfriend, it’s all very forbidden love, but actually it was just a tumbleweed of a storyline. (I suppose it’s relevant to disclose here that I am firmly Team Jess, because I am nothing more than a 15-year-old girl eternally yearning for the brooding dickhead.)

And, I get that Milo Ventigmilia is probably very busy being extremely attractive in other things (actually I have no idea, has he done anything since that mid-2000s Fergie film clip that I watched approx 175 times?). But could he not have dedicated a little more time to this season so we didn’t have to endure more dreary Logan scenes? Oh, and if you’re reading this and thinking ‘what about Dean?’ please reassess your life choices.

Needs More Paris/Emily/Lane

If you are a true GG fan, you will be familiar with the cold hard fact that the best characters in this now-garbage show are the minor ones. I hated Paris when I first watched Gilmore Girls, and she has morphed into the character that I identify with most — even in the revival. I think we can all agree that the scene where she kicks the bathroom door closed was the best part of the entire shitshow.

This. On loop. Forever. ?? pic.twitter.com/5pSMobiaGv

— Netflix US (@netflix) December 1, 2016

As I mentioned, Emily’s storyline was actually quite great, and the Daughters of the American Revolution meeting scene was stellar. But she still wasn’t given enough time to shine, and there was still a whole lot of blatant white rich lady racism swirling around, once again. And Lane: what can I say? Well, a whole lot of nothing, because that is what the writers of the show gave her. NOTHING.

THE FINAL FOUR WORDS

Hoo, boy. Where to begin with this horrific, slanderous defamation of everything those of us that were once fans hold dear? If the Palladinos have two houses, I would like to propose a plague on both of them. They’ll be getting a letter from my lawyer. I know that the show doesn’t have to be a work of artistic genius, but whose idea was it to transform it into nothing more than the TV version of a Woman’s Weekly cover story?

There is already a magnificent list of alternate four-word endings, but I am here to argue that Amy Sherman-Palladino should never have built up the stupid final words anyway. So, here are some excellent alternate endings that have not at all been ripped from seminal television shows:

• Rory, Luke, Lorelai and Luke’s annoying kid sit down in the diner, and Journey is playing in the background. There’s a guy with a Members Only jacket, and then someone opens the door to the diner, and maybe something bad happens and it fades to black. Also, everyone is Italian. And Rory isn’t pregnant.
• Everyone puts on football clothes (cleats? uniform? outfit?) and helmets and run out onto the field and Coach Taylor encourages them heaps and then they win the game and everyone happy-cries and Connie Britton runs her fingers through her hair and Rory isn’t pregnant.
• Rory is a vampire slayer, everyone else is a sidekick, her favourite outfit is not a boring red dress but rather some super hot leather pants. There’s a big battle, the town falls into a Hellmouth. Rory isn’t pregnant.

Sigh. See you all when we have to endure this again – next time with added children!

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Chloe Papas is a journalist and writer based in Victoria. You can find her on Twitter @chloepapas.