Christmas Songs, Ranked By Their Bizarre Horniness
"This Christmas song sounds like a moan, and is thus the horniest."
Christmas is the sexiest time of year for a number of reasons: whether that’s because we’ve got time to kill, we’re feeling jolly on gross trifle, or because of the sheer sex appeal of Santa Claus.
There have been studies that show that people are all around randier at Christmas time – they’re having more sex, while sites like PornHub experience lower than usual traffic.
It’s a strange time of year, as we’re forced to spend quality time with our loved ones, fuelled by an ungodly amount of both ham and sparkling wine. What better escape is there than taking a one-way train to Bonetown?
We’ve decided to rank beloved Christmas songs and carols by the likelihood they could entice you to bump uglies.
Consider it a a service – blessed be thy sexy Christmas.
Christmas Songs, Ranked By Horniness
15. ‘Little Drummer Boy’, Sufjan Stevens
Like ‘Away In A Manger’, the story of the ‘Little Drummer Boy’ is not horny at all, and if you feel any lust while listening to it, you should go directly to jail. Not even Sufjan Stevens can change this fact. Say goodbye to your family and friends, because you need to lock yourself up to keep the world safe.
14. ‘White Wine In The Sun’, Tim Minchin
‘White Wine In The Sun’ is addressed to Tim Minchin’s infant daughter, and not even this depraved site is willing to call that a horny area. It’s not. The song is not horny – even if your step-mum is after a few of those aforementioned white wines.
13. ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’, Band Aid
This is a song that is literally for and about starving people in Africa. To call this sexy would send me straight to hell, where I belong for pitching this story.
Even if you are one of the six mums who finds Phil Collins, Bono and Bob Geldof sexy, this song should not stir up lusty feelings in you.
12. ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’, She & Him
It doesn’t matter what version of ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ you put on at Christmastime, it is negative horny. Not even She & Him can save it. There is nothing horny about a man trying to trap a woman into staying inside with him by spiking her drink.
Consent is sexy! Remember that.
11. ‘Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas’, Sam Smith
While making your Yuletide gay is sexy, there’s something lacking in this Christmas song in terms of horniness. It talks about nostalgia and friendship, which aren’t necessarily horny areas, unless you are friends with all of your one-night stands. This song is a fence-sitter in terms of horniness.
10. ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’, Mariah Carey
Controversial take: Mariah Carey’s Christmas classic is not a horny song. There are too many jingling bells. There’s too much expectation. It sets people up to lose their boner.
No one is being pushed passionately against a wall to ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’, and that is the barometer here. Sorry, not horny, just basic.
9. ‘Silent Night’, Phoebe Bridgers featuring Fiona Apple and Matt Berninger
‘Silent Night’ is a weird kind of mid-level horny. It goes with a kind of tender sexual experience I associate with the loss of virginity in wholesome teen movies.
While some might dub this an inappropriate song for moments of extreme lustfulness, that’s the point. It being a bit taboo kinda adds to it?
Also think about Phoebe Bridgers, Matt Berninger and Fiona Apple covering this. It’s horny!
8. ‘Last Christmas’, Wham!
If you’re longing for your ex, and somehow end up in a situation where you could bone them again (ex sex – it’s good!), Wham!’s ‘Last Christmas’ is a top horny track.
But if you’re longing for your ex and have a new partner, this would be a cursed song to have sex to. A mixed bag.
7. ‘How To Make Gravy’, Paul Kelly
The gravy song could be horny in the right context – like for instance, if you were coming home from jail to see your lover, Rita, and couldn’t wait to make gravy together/tear each other’s clothes off. But outside of that context, it’s probably not horny.
6. ‘Blue Christmas’, Bright Eyes
The entirety of Bright Eyes’ Christmas album is a lesson in how to get angsty young people horny (and confused about it), but the clear standout is their cover of Elvis Presley’s ‘Blue Christmas’.
The combination of Christmas with true sadness and Oberst’s earnest, cracking voice is the perfect soundtrack for having wistful sex with someone you’re not in love with anymore.
5. ‘Silver Bells’, Michael Bublé featuring Naturally 7
Is ‘Silver Bells’ this high in the list based entirely off the lyric “ring-a-ling”, which sounds like “ding-a-ling”, a phrase that also means penis? That’s up to you to decide.
It could also be that the song captures the spirit of Christmas, where everyone is walking around desperately wanting to fuck as bells ring. And who best exemplifies that spirit but Michael Bublé?
4. ‘Fairytale Of New York’, The Pogues
They’re kissing in corners and dancing through the night, which is absolutely code for fucking. And Shane MacGowan’s voice is super horny.
It’s basically a folk song drunkenly slurred in an Irish pub, but that steady beat is perfect for the rhythm of missionary, no eye contact.
3. ‘White Christmas’, The Wombats
‘White Christmas is a horny song – but maybe that’s because The Wombats covered it in a festive horny way last year. It’s hornier than their early ‘Is This Christmas?’ song, possibly because Matthew Murphy is straight-up smouldering the whole time.
The song sounds like a big sexy man pulling you into his arms in the snow. It’s hopeful and also raunchy. There’s literal horns in it.
2. ‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen’, Pentatonix
The jauntiness of ‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen’ is horny.
Think about it, it’s about gentlemen going to bed together. What is that if not a very horny situation? Is it wrong to say those things about a Christmas carol about our Lord and Saviour? I know what I consider a tiding of comfort and joy – and the answer is sex.
1. ‘Good King Wenceslas’, Bing Crosby
The deep baritone of ‘Good King Wenceslas’ is designed to wet panties. There’s nothing like fumbling over the name, ‘Wencleslas,’ to get your heart rate up.
It’s somehow both jolly and sombre, which gives it, and the sex that you have to it, an appropriate gravity. This Christmas song sounds like a moan, and is thus the horniest.
Hannah Story is an arts and culture writer and editor from Sydney.