Chrissy Teigen Pens Heartfelt Essay About The Response To Her Miscarriage
“I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos… [They] are only for the people who need them.”
Chrissy Teigen has returned to social media to share an essay on her miscarriage, as well as the backlash she received at the time for announcing the sad news alongside a photo of herself crying in her hospital bed.
Teigen posted about her miscarriage on October 1, writing that she and husband John Legend, had lost her son, who they planned to call Jack, and that they were in “the kind of deep pain you only hear about, the pain we’ve never felt before”. “Jack worked so hard to be a part of our little family, and he will be, forever,” she wrote at the time.
The post created a mixed reaction online, as many celebrated her openness about a taboo subject, while other (utterly heartless) people criticised her need to have a ‘photoshoot’. Since then, Teigen — a prolific figure across social media — has not posted, until today’s essay, shared via blogging site Medium.
— chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) October 1, 2020
The essay details Teigen’s diagnosis with partial placenta abruption, and, how, after extensive bleeding, she was taken to the hospital to induce their 20-week-old baby, which resulted in a stillbirth.
“At this point I had already come to terms with what would happen: I would have an epidural and be induced to deliver our 20 week old, a boy that would have never survived in my belly (please excuse these simple terms),” she wrote. “I was previously on bedrest for over a month, just trying to get the little dude to 28 weeks, a “safer” zone for the fetus.”
“…I had a pretty bad night in bed, after a not-so-great ultrasound, where I was bleeding a bit more than even my abnormal amount. My bleeding was getting heavier and heavier. The fluid around Jack had become very low — he was barely able to float around. At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly.”
She says they tried ‘bags and bags of blood transfusions’, but it didn’t work.
“After a couple nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming — it was time to say goodbye. He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either… Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness.”
“Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness.”
Teigen then touches upon the photos she shared, saying she had asked her mother and husband to take photos as their son deserved to be remembered, and that she ‘cannot express how little care’ she has for anyone who finds the photos in poor taste.
“[Legend] hated it. I could tell,” she writes. “It didn’t make sense to him at the time. But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story.”
“I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done. I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.”
Teigen reflects upon her own grief, describing how she often forgets she is no longer pregnant, or feels guilty for being momentarily happy.
“I hold my belly when I walk around. I have a moment of freak out when the kids jump on my non-existent bump. The clarity after these moments always make me sad… People say an experience like this creates a hole in your heart. A hole was certainly made, but it was filled with the love of something I loved so much. It doesn’t feel empty, this space. It feels full.”
Of her choice to make ‘her grief public’, she writes that she “feels bad that I made you all feel bad”, but felt she had to share her experiences.
“I feel bad our grief was so public because I made the joy so public. I was excited to share our news with the world. Stories leading up to this had been chronicled for all. It’s hard to look at them now. I was so positive it would be okay. I feel bad that I made you all feel bad. I always will.”
She then thanked fans for ‘moments of kindness’, such as a checkout lady ‘quietly adding’ flowers to her shopping cart or people passing heartfelt notes to her. She encourages others to be open about their own miscarriages.
“The worst part is knowing there are so many women that won’t get these quiet moments of joy from strangers,” she writes. “I beg you to please share your stories and to please be kind to those pouring their hearts out. Be kind in general, as some won’t pour them out at all.”
“I wrote this because I knew for me I needed to say something before I could move on from this and return back to life, so I truly thank you for allowing me to do so. Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see. Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky.”
Read the full post on Medium.