Film

I’m Afraid It Is Time Once Again To Speak Of Chet Hanks, Tom Hanks’ Deeply Cursed Son

Chet took to the Golden Globes' red carpet to speak Jamaican Patois.

Chet Hanks, son of Tom

The universe loves balance, which is maybe the only way to explain the existence of Chet Hanks, the failed large adult son of beloved screen icon Tom Hanks.

On the one hand you have Tom. Tom is so kind and gentle-hearted that directors use him as a kind of visual shorthand for a good person. Whether he’s playing Captain Phillips, or a little kid in a grown up’s body, or the CGI nightmare at the centre ofΒ The Polar Express, he exudes charm and warmth and joy.

Then there’s Chet.

Chet does not exude charm and warmth. Chet exudes the deeply cursed, deeply troubling energy of somebody who has had the world laid out at their feet, and has decided to use the world to wipe their loafers.

Who Is Chet Hanks?

Chet Hanks is best known for being Tom Hanks’ embarrassing son. Hanks has a better son named Colin, who is kind, and nice, and an actor.

Chet is none of these things. He is a rapper who makes bizarre and upsetting music under the moniker ‘Chet Haze’.

In fact, he kicked off a minor controversy a few years ago with ‘White and Purple’, a remix of Wiz Khalifa’s ‘Black and Yellow’ that has been blocked on pretty much every social media platform on account of being: A) terrifying, and B) definitely a bit racist.

If you do want some Chet Haze in your life, mind you, there’s still some music floating around, like this deeply cursed track:

Why Are We Talking About Chet?

Chet floats in and out of the media like the world’s most objectionable wasp. Years go by without hearing about him, and then there he is, buzzing up into our faces and getting his bristly wasp feet all up in the jam.

Yesterday, he re-entered the public discourse when a video emerged of him speaking Jamaican Patois on the Golden Globes red carpet. Jamaican Patois is an English-based Creole language that it is definitely not okay for a very white man to use.

And then, if that wasn’t enough, he did it again shortly therafter.

This wasn’t a momentary slip-up, either: Chet posted this stuff on his own Instagram, so he’s obviously feeling pretty chuffed about it.

Truly, he is A Problem.

He doesn’t show many signs of going away, either. Just know that in a few years, you’ll be sitting around minding your own business, and all of a sudden Chet Hanks will come bursting up into your face. He is a curse, and we must make our peace with him.