Film

A Ranking Of All The Cursed Cats In The Truly Damned ‘Cats’ Trailer

They're all very bad.

Cats trailer cursed ranking

Do you remember what life was like before the trailer dropped for Cats, the film adaptation of Cats, the musical where everybody is cats? Cats? Cats.

Do you RECALL how blessed our life was before we saw a furry, CGI-nude James Corden in a top hat, dancing in a manner that we can only refer to as “stage-feline”? Can you call to mind a world without the eldritch energy of Judi Dench transformed via a computer into a horrifying cat thing?

Can you possibly repress the conflicting feelings of lust and revulsion towards Idris Elba, but cat?

Can you at all remember how truly innocent and naive we all were, before we were made to see the trailer of Cats?

I think I can remember, but it is just a memory, all alone in the moonlight.

ANYWAY, these cats are abominations! They are stinking up the air with big horror and bad vibes. They are all cavorting nightmares with the face of awards show hosts and Hollywood stars. They are the last thing you see before you die on Broadway.

But, while the whole film is CLEARLY drenched in true negative energy, not all these cats were created equal.

Let’s rank all the cats from Cats via the sheer density of cursed energy that they are giving off.


10. This Weird Hermione Wannabe

Listen, I don’t know who she is, but I do know she’s the main character, and I hate it!

She has all the generic cursed energy of a dancing humanoid cat, all waxy fur and haunted eyes. She’s exactly what you see when you drop acid with a furry.


9. This Tayla Swiff

Honestly, Taylor Swift in cat form is only nominally more cursed than the energy she usually brings into a room!

Frankly, this is better than her film clip with Brendon Urie, this is basically an apology.


8. This Cursed Cat Whomst Is Dying

Look, the big banger from this musical is a song about having memories, which is a song called ‘Memories’. She is thinking about her memories because soon the cats are gonna vote for her to die.

THAT’S FINE.


7. This Sir Ian McKellan

The man who made Magneto camp is the only person who can wear this uncanny valley transformation, this witch’s hex, this polyjuice potion fuckaround, with any dignity.

No, the truly cursed energy here is that he’s doing so with both James Corden and Rebel Wilson and Jason Derulo.


6. This Hot Chick From As Time Goes By

What do they have over Dame Judi Dench to make her do this?

There’s something full body horror about Judi Dench as an old cat, something that makes you think of a grand old dame of stage and screen using a human-sized kitty litter.


5. This Piece Of Shit

Hey! I used to fucking detest furries. I thought I was better than them! I was a big fancy boy who had honestly never thought about fucking a hot animal.

But now, the bleak sexual energy of Idris Elba as a seductive tom-cat has reduced me to something less than a furry, something lustful and ashamed.


4. This Absolute TRAVESTY

What the fuck did we do, as a nation, to deserve Rebel Wilson as one of our primary talent exports?

Actually scrap that, our garbage country has done so much bad shit that clearly this is an inevitable cursed moment. Imagine the casting agents discussing this: “I’m thinking we get Rebel Wilson to play EXACTLY the same character she always plays, which was only ever mildly funny on Thank God You’re Here back in 2007, but we’ll make her an absolute furry monstrosity in a huge budget film?”


3. This JASON DERULO

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Why did this cat call me a fag, and then send me a pic of his dick on Grindr later that night?????


2. THIS PIECE OF SHIT CAT MAGICIAN.

cats

What THE FUCK.

I didn’t think you could make a magician any worse. They’re already a cross between a LIAR and an INEFFECTUAL WIZARD, and that’s a bad and cursed life.

But this fucking magician is also a piece of shit cat that looks like a fucking dickhead. Fuck off!


1. This Absolute James Corden

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James Corden already has all the cursed energy in the world. He would have topped this list even if he wasn’t cast in this film.

I didn’t think James Corden could get any worse, and then he swanned into Ocean’s 8 as a maths cop. I thought that was the peak. But now, look at this horrible cartoon, given life and form by a madman. Look at it and despair.


Patrick Lenton is the Entertainment Editor at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.