Carly Rae Jepsen, We Beg You: Please Tour Australia
An open letter to Carly Rae Jepsen and tour promoters of Australia.
Dear Carly Rae Jepsen and tour promoters of Australia,
The time has come. To be honest, the time came and went a long time ago.
For too long, we in Australia have waited in the dark, clutching our vinyl copies of E•MO•TION and weeping happy-sad tears while ‘Your Type’ plays.
Too long have we watched as our lady and saviour Carly Rae Jepsen plays festivals and club dates overseas, yet doesn’t announce any Australian tour dates.
We have watched in despair as other, lesser acts sell out our venues (seriously, Lil Dicky at the Hordern Pavilion? What the hell?) but Carly Rae stays away, far from our warm embrace.
We have suffered enough. We have endured enough. It’s time for Carly Rae Jepsen to tour Australia.
We know touring Australia is daunting. For a start, we are a fucking long way from anywhere. It takes an ungodly number of hours to fly here — and sometimes you even lose a day when you do so (we’re still not sure how that works, to be honest, none of us understand time zones.)
We’re also a massive country — sometimes it’s more expensive to fly from Perth to Sydney than it is to fly from Perth to Singapore (in fact, most of the time it is.) We know that Melbourne is rainy and terrible, even though we tell them they’re “arty” to just keep them happy. We know that we have some truly, spectacularly dangerous animals — and some animals that look like they were picked straight from the ‘Irregular’ bin at the dawn of time (looking at you, platypus.)
We know that touring here is more expensive than just about any other market in the world — hell, we wrote a 2,500 word feature about it.
We know all this. But we also know that we have been deprived of Carly Rae’s presence for so long, that when she does descend on our fair and expensive land that we shall flock in numbers never before seen in Australia’s history.
We shall camp outside venues, we shall buy every single piece of merch on offer. We shall instruct every DJ in the country to play nothing but Carly Rae for the entire duration of her visit.
To sweeten the deal, we’re even willing to turn Carly Rae into one of the Big Things that our country is obsessed with. The Big Carly Rae Jepsen could be placed in any town around the nation — how about Condoblin? Or Coonabarabran? Or Canberra? Actually no not Canberra, anywhere but Canberra.
But yes, we are willing to offer up any town to receive the Big Carly Rae. In fact, why stop there? We’ll even rename an entire town in honour of CRJ. Maybe Melbourne would be tolerable if it were named Carly Rae Jepsenopolis?
And while we know CRJ isn’t an Australian citizen, we feel like she should have the chance of running the country as Prime Minister. Goodness knows everyone else seems to be having a go, and most of those people are frankly evil.
We would be blessed to have Carly Rae lead our fair nation — she can even bring that sword she was dancing around with a couple of months back. She can even knight our best and fairest with it.
You get it: we’ll do anything to get you here. We just want to dance to E•MO•TION and ‘Cut To The Feeling’ and bask in your pop perfection.
Please, please make it happen.
The People of Australia