Film

Apologies, My Stinking Man-Children, But ‘Captain Marvel’ Has Triumphed At The Box Office

'Captain Marvel' soared higher, farther, faster at the box office.

by Patrick Lenton  11 March 2019
Captain Marvel special look

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Marvel’s first ever solo female-fronted superhero movie Captain Marvel, has launched with an absolutely immense $153 million proceeds in the US box office, and $455 million globally, and $15.1 million in Australia. That’s a lot of red frogs, baby!

If you’re like me and numbers are difficult to comprehend and you suspect maybe they mean nothing and that maths is a scam, then perhaps it helps to note that this makes Captain Marvel the sixth-highest worldwide opening of all time.

Why is this so gratifying? Because it signifies that the huge armpit-scented tantrum thrown by angry online boys meant absolutely nothing.

From the very beginning, Brie Larson’s entry into the Marvel Cinematic Universe has been met with furious old mayonnaise-splattered dismay by the world’s worst pissbaby men, a big online carnival of impotent subway-wanking designed to somehow tank the film.

The audience review section of the Captain Marvel Rotten Tomatoes page was flooded with negative comments from users — before the film had even come out — to such an extent that the review aggregating site retooled their system to prevent this from continuing.

This follows the same kind of “bad faith review” campaigns conducted against Black Panther and Star Wars: The Last Jedi.

There’s been all sorts of nonsense — after the first trailer was released, there was a campaign of photoshopping smiles on to Brie Larson, a very online way of updating the classic sexist “smile more” slur.

“Tired of all this SJW nonsense,” wrote one “reviewer”.

If you’re confused, the agenda at work here is the idea of having a woman as a superhero. It’s taken Marvel 21 films to get to this point, so you’d think this sweaty dudes who hate women could take comfort in literally every other superhero film — but no, apparently not. Their major complaint is that Brie Larson and the concept of Captain Marvel is inherently “sexist towards men”, which famously is not a thing that exists!

But, anyway, on earnings alone we can see that this entire piss-soaked huff accomplished nothing at all! Nothing at all! Ahahahahaa.

Plus it’s a really fun movie! Suck it.

Captain Marvel is currently in cinemas, absorbing all your money like a giant female-empowering sponge.