Politics

Some Enemies Of GetUp Have Created A Superhero To Take Down GetUp, And Oh Boy

How did anyone think this was a good idea?

Captain GetUp

Imagine, for a moment, that you’re an Australian conservative. You simply cannot stand The Left, defined broadly as the Greens, Labor, and anyone who disagrees with you. Some nights you wake, exhilarated, after dreaming of a speedo-clad Tony Abbott declaring electoral victory, only to fall into a deep sadness when you realise current polling suggests this fantasy is unsustainable.

You read the Daily Telegraph, so you understand that GetUp is somehow to blame for your suffering. You want nothing more than to bring GetUp to justice, but how? You need a hero, but the Avengers won’t be back until later this month. In these dark times, who can you turn to for help?

Enter Captain GetUp. His name may sound terrifying, but fear not: he is not actually associated with GetUp, and despite wearing the Labor and Greens logos on his cape, he means you no harm. Actually, he’s the invention of conservative group Advance Australia, who call him a “truth crusader” who will bring down GetUp by travelling to marginal seats and reading from a script, clad in his signature orange tights.

I think we speak for people of all political stripes when we ask this: who the fuck thought this was a good idea?

After all, nothing says “clear political messaging” than having to start every sentence with a reminder that you are not, in fact, from GetUp, despite having GetUp quite literally written all over you.

And nothing — nothing — appeals to voters more than the muffled voice of a guy inside a bobble-headed orange spandex suit yelling “I am Captain GetUp the truth crusader!”

And yet, while Advance Australia clearly hoped Captain GetUp would inspire hearts and minds, so far he’s mostly inspired confusion. If he does not represent GetUp, why is he covered in GetUp logos? If GetUp is supposedly evil, why is Captain GetUp such a hunk? Who would win in a fight: Captain America or Captain GetUp?

At this stage it seems like the only fight Captain GetUp might have a chance of winning is the fight to become the worst mascot concept of all time. Except, nope, he’s been beaten on that front already by Brazil’s Senhor Testiculo.