Canadians Reckon They Have A Cow Bigger Than Knickers And We’re Calling BS
It's a BIG COW OFF!!!!
Canada is inarguably one of the most beautiful and diverse countries on Earth, with breathtaking mountain vistas, vibrant cosmopolitan cities and a rich culture going back thousands of years. They also reckon they have a cow bigger than ours, to which we say: Stay in your fucking lane, Canada.
In case you hate fun things on the internet and missed it somehow, this week Australia has proudly been making international headlines and, more importantly, been at the centre of the meme zeitgeist with the discovery of Knickers The Big Cow.
Knickers is a cow who is big. That’s the story. Big Cow. And it’s the best damn story of the week.
every so often you come across a story that makes you think "damn, that's a big cow".
to me, this is one of those stories. https://t.co/KOz6PqoG0Z
— Colley (@JamColley) November 27, 2018
However, today there has been an attempt to steal our beloved huge bovine beast’s thunder, with a Canadian farmer claiming that he has a bigger cow, which is quite frankly just rude.
The challenger for the title of Biggest Unit is Dozer, a ~pretty~ big cow from a livestock sanctuary in Manitoba. Here he is being an admittedly sizeable slab of beef:
Speaking to Winnipeg News, Dozer’s owner Karl Schoenrock reckons he’s done the maths and claims the cow is a full inch taller than our boy Knickers. Good for him or whatever, but we’re talking about BIG cows here Canada, not tall cows.
I am of course not a bovine expert, but claiming he is a bigger boi of a cow than our sweet son Knickers is obviously bullshit. “Big” is a contextual state of being, not something that comes down to millimetres and pounds. Big is a vibe, a feel, an ephemeral status allocated by the collective will of our imaginations.
Knickers is the Big Cow. Dozer can fuck off.
If that was me I’d be whispering in its ear “You fucking suck bro”.
The good news is Dozer is six, which is super old for a cow, meaning he’ll be dead soon, leaving Knickers as the One True Big Cow. I’m not wishing any misfortune on the Canadian impostor of course, just stating the facts here, people! Cows die! I’m sorry!
Stop trying to ride our viral coat-tails Canada. You’re embarrassing yourself.
Dozer images via CTV / Supplied.