Can We Talk About Justin Bieber’s Clothes For A Second?
It's been a tough week for young Biebs. We make it worse.
Think, for a moment, of Elvis’s rhinestoned jumpsuit,
Michael Jackson’s zipper-jacket, Madonna’s cone bra, GaGa’s meat
dress: each of these iconic outfits showcase the daring creativity
that’s often found at the intersection of pop and fashion. Earlier
this week, Justin Bieber seemed to join the fray after being
photographed on the streets of London in a studded-cheese hat and
purple poopy pants. Unfortunately, the online reaction to those purple poopy
pants only served to highlight that Bieber hasn’t yet accumulated
the necessary cache of unpredictable lunacy that makes people shake
their heads and lovably sigh, “Oh, that’s so Kanye…”, whenever
Kanye wears a kilt or a Mozart hair-piece. But he’s trying, folks,
oh man is he trying. In the meantime, let’s all take a closer look
at the wardrobe trials and tribulations of The Pop Star At
Nineteen…
The Week That Was (In Bieber’s
Clothes)
1. The Studded-Cheese Hat and
Lavender Leopard-Print Pants
The pants that stopped the
world. Some call them “the drop-crotch pant”, others call
them “harem pants”, but we all know that they’re really just
“Hammer pants”. These pants are a psychic device that tie Bieber to
his ultimate fate: bankruptcy, a metaphysical crisis, future
appearances on The Surreal Life and,
eventually, a heartwarming public reappraisal. Bieber later
mentioned that he wore this outfit for “a dare”, but that’s kinda
like when a teenager asks her/his best friend out on a date and
she/he laughs and says something like “Ha, you’re cute!” and then
changes the subject and then you go home and cry in the bathroom.
2. The Gas Mask, Part 1
Sheesh, the Brooklyn
Nets? Bieber was photographed walking around London
wearing a Brooklyn Nets cap and a gas mask. Sigh, what kinda
fairweather fan would be caught dead in a Brooklyn Nets hat? We bet
his favourite basketball player is “Michael Jordan”. Go back to
curling, Bieber. Oh yeah, the gas mask. That’s pretty fuckin’
weird.
3. The Gas Mark, Part 2
Well, at least he looks
warm. Days later, Bieber paired the gas mask with some
kinda terry-towel hoodie-cardigan that’s an incredibly unappealing
shade of beige. Justin collapsed onstage from “shortness of
breath” just hours after this photo was taken, so perhaps the gas
mask was actually a case of function over fashion? (A bit like
Michael Jackson’s surgical mask, which he humbly wore to disguise
his majestic beauty and collectively spare the world from any
unnecessary self-esteem issues).
4. The Skin-Coloured
Skin Shirt
Pop stars shouldn’t have
computer hunch. Following a poorly-received performance
in Birmingham on Thursday, Bieber returned to his hotel room
sporting blue leather pants and a skin-tight, skin-coloured t-shirt
with abdominal muscles drawn on the front. This particular outfit
drew the pointed ire of actress Olivia Wilde, who publicly (and quite
oddly) demanded that Bieber “put your fucking shirt on”. Note the
white undies peeking mischievously from beneath his waistband:
that’s just a clever ploy to make people think about his butt,
based on the classic Keynesian economic formula, “rate of
consumption + level of spending = think about butts”.
The
Other All-Time Classics
5. The Loose-Strap
Denim Overalls
Overalls, this is an okay
outfit. This outfit, worn during last November’s meeting
with Canadian Prime Minister Stephen
Harper, painted Biebs as the king of
cool. It takes a certain sizing of balls to
wear denim overalls to an official parliamentary function. The
single unfastened strap is a subtle nod to his appropriatin’
forebears (mainly Jeremy Jordan).
6. The Gold
Mask
Gold masks and Sunkist,
all day. Who can forget that time last year when Bieber
was photographed on Venice Beach sporting a creepy gold mask like a
lost member from the Eyes Wide Shut orgy? Oh
yeah: we can.
7. “I Wear Blue On The Outside ‘Cause Blue
Is How I Feel On The Inside”
The Kmart
collection. We’ve all experienced a case of Ugly Flight
Outfit (I once saw a whole airplane of people wearing pull-string
pants), but the Biebs added some noticeable flair to the occasion
when he pulled his fancy socks over the leg cuffs in the style of
grandfathers everywhere. The hat was also impressive, in a Jason Biggs in
Loser kinda way (underrated
style icon).
8. Steppin’ Out
The hair-part of a man,
the tuxedo of a 17th-Century vampire. To be fair, Bieber
was only 17-years-old when he hit the red carpet in this ruffled
velvet tuxedo. To be fairer, it’s a ruffled velvet tuxedo. Usher
needs to buy this kid a mirror already.