Culture

Everyone Relax, The Bureau Of Meteorology Has Confirmed It’s Not Working With The Illuminati

Well, that's a relief.

Australians can rest easy tonight knowing that the Bureau of Meteorology has officially confirmed to Parliament that no, it’s not working with the Illuminati.

I think I speak for all of us when I say that’s a huge weight off my shoulders.

“No members of the Illuminati work at the Bureau of Meteorology and the Bureau has no relationship with the Illuminati,” the weather agency wrote to Parliament in response to the question “how many members of the Illuminati work at the Bureau of Meteorology and what is your relationship with this shadowy organisation?”

The BoM also responded to a question about how often it meets with NASA “to doctor scientific evidence” by clarifying that it meets with NASA regularly, but only to “progress Australia’s national interests”.

The story of how our national weather agency came to officially confirm to Parliament, in writing, that it’s not in league with a shadowy conspiracy organisation that secretly controls the world is an interesting one. Cast your mind back, if you will, to the days before well-known idiot senator Malcolm Roberts was booted from Parliament over his dual citizenship.

Before Roberts’ regular nonsense caused him to disappear into the void of irrelevance, he was frequently invited to broadcast that nonsense on national television. See for example this clip from Q&A in August 2016, where he declared that climate change is just a hoax cooked up by…NASA?

Roberts also frequently spent his time in Parliament wasting everyone elses time by getting, say, Australia’s Chief Scientist to patiently explain climate science to him. When the dual citizenship crisis struck, then, Roberts’ departure left an idiot vacancy in Parliament that our other elected representatives scrambled to fill.

It was ultimately Sam Dastyari who followed most closely in Roberts’ footsteps (first by taking up the solemn burden of asking questions about climate-change conspiracies, and also by making mistakes that cost him his seat in Parliament).

In a Senate Estimates committee hearing in October 2017, Dastyari acknowledged that with Roberts gone, someone has to “be asking these tough questions on behalf of these people on the internet,” and proceeded to ask said questions of the visibly bemused Dr Andrew Johnson, Director of Meteorology at the Bureau of Meteorology.

“I’ll be happy to take those questions on notice,” was Johnson’s remarkably composed response, meaning that the Bureau would supply Dastyari with his answers at a later time. And supply them they did, assuring us once and for all that the Illuminati has no sway over our climate data.

Then again, I guess they would have said that even if they were working with the Illuminati.