The Ten Most Important Pieces Of Bird News In 2018
It's hard to deny that at least some of the 2018's news has been defined by birds.
There are plenty of ways you can measure and categorise the news that occurred in 2018, but at the end of the day there’s only one question that really matters when assessing a story: was it about a bird? Was it bird news?
It’s hard to deny that at least some of the year’s news stories have been defined by birds. Birds have been present at, or near, the scene of quite a few events in 2018. Sometimes, the thoughts or actions of birds have been the driving force behind these news events.
In fact, careful calculations reveal that birds have generated enough news in 2018 for us to bring you a list of the top 10 bird-related news events of the year.
If you are a bird and you do not see your own 2018 activities in this list, please do not take offence or seek to attack me, the writer of this story, in any way. Unlike birds, humans often make mistakes, for which we sincerely apologise.
10. Aussie Birds Learnt To Deliberately Start Fires So They Can Murder Their Dinner
Let’s start at the very beginning of bird news in 2018: in the first week of the year, Australian birds revealed that they had learnt to start fires in order to more effectively murder their prey. Or more accurately, the rest of Australia finally woke up and listened to one of the many things Indigenous people have been patiently repeating, in this case that birds have been deliberately starting fires for centuries now.
So as we enter bushfire season once again, beware your local birds of prey (and year-round, listen to Indigenous people).
9. What Happens When A Magpie Becomes Too Dangerous? The Cops Shoot It. With A Gun.
And while we’re on the topic of Birds and Danger, here’s another thing we all learnt in 2018: when magpies are deemed too menacing, the cops are empowered to come and shoot them with a gun.
Seriously, it happened in Lismore in September, with a sprinkle of added intrigue given that the cops responsible for the murder were in plain clothes.
8. A Daring Rogue Bird Shut Down The Art Gallery Of South Australia
In April, pesky birds (or rather, pesky bird, singular) struck again, this time at the Art Gallery of South Australia. The chase that ensued featured a scissor lift, a large net on a pole, and a lucky escape. All in all, it was a fascinating depiction of the inadequacies of human technology when forced to contend with a vastly superior opponent: birds.
Not to mention that the threat of a bird in an art gallery really lends new meaning to Shit Adelaide, hey?
7. New Zealand’s Annual Bird Of The Year Competition
New Zealand’s annual bird of the year competition is always dramatic, and this year was no exception. In the middle of the night, some prankster in Australia logged on to hijack the poll with hundreds of fraudulent votes for the “shag”. Said prankster’s requests for a shag were, thankfully, denied, and the kererū won.
6. Nerds Stayed Up All Night To Count Birds, And We Salute Them For It
A quick shoutout to some human allies: once again in 2018, bird enthusiasts turned out en masse for the annual Twitchathon, a 30-hour cross-country “extreme birdwatching” event. Yes, extreme birdwatching is a thing.
The Twitchathon is actually part of the Backyard Bird Count, which also has less demanding counting events you can join in on if you’d like to. It’s all for a good cause, too — both events help contribute data for bird research and conservation efforts, while the Twitchathon also raises raises money for these worthy causes.
If you’d like to support birds in 2019, think about signing up.
5. A Parrot Species Is At Risk Of Extinction Because It’s Too Busy Discovering Polyamory
Meanwhile, in Tasmania, the swift parrot is facing extinction in part because it recently discovered polyamory, and the birds are now too busy getting it on to tend to their young.
Seriously — a study found that a shortage of female birds has led to a massive surplus of horny bachelor birds who rock up to annoy the usually monogamous females until they give in and flutter off to fuck in secret, leading to lower survival rates for their hatchlings, who are left unsupervised during the bonefest.
These birds quite literally fucked themselves over.
4. “No Mates Nigel”, The World’s Loneliest Bird, Sadly Dies
Unfortunately, this one’s a sad one: 2018 was the year that so-called “no mates Nigel”, the world’s loneliest bird, kicked the bucket. At the time, he was surrounded only by his fake friends.
See, Nigel was a New Zealand gannet who lived on the island of Mana, all by himself, from 2013 to 2018. The island is inhabited by concrete replicas of gannets, placed there by conservation experts to try to lure some living birds back, but Nigel was the only bird to fall for it. And fall for it, he really did. Over the years, he was observed flirting pretty hard with one of the concrete birds, attempting to groom her feathers and build her a nest.
Just weeks before Nigel’s death, some real living gannets arrived on the island, but sadly they did not get along with Nigel. And now he’s dead, and we remember him fondly.
Farewell, Nigel.
3. A Giant Inflatable Duck Feared Lost At Sea Has Been Found Safe And Sound, Thank God
Okay, so this one wasn’t a real bird, just an inflatable one, but it’s a rare piece of good news: back in March, a giant inflatable duck feared lost at sea was found safe and sound, and thank god for that.
See, this giant duck is pretty special. Daphne, who is bright yellow and the size of a caravan, is the mascot of Cockburn Masters Swimming Club in Western Australia, and she’s pretty universally beloved. When she floated away by accident one morning, the club were devastated, but happily everything ended well.
2. Feral Peacocks In Canada Are Attacking Luxury Cars Because They See Their Reflection In Them
Bird news is at its best, however, when it tells us about more than just birds. When it reflects something back at us, something deeper about the human condition.
Which brings us to this story, featuring some very literal reflections: those of feral peacocks in Canada, which made headlines this year for attacking luxury cars they saw themselves in.
Now, this story has a bit of everything. The problem of feral peacocks is a sad indictment of our collective disregard for rare and beautiful species in 2018; by attacking luxury cars, these peacocks transform into a powerful call to action for the working class.
The sentence “feral peacocks in Canada are attacking luxury cars because they see their reflection in them” also arguably sums up Grimes and Elon Musk’s relationship, yet another key news story of 2018.
Truly, this story has it all.
1. The Rock Rescued A Sweet, Tiny, Baby Bird With His Enormous Rock Hands
But nah, who are we kidding, we can’t end this list on that grim note. No, the number one bird story of the year has to be this one, where Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson instagrammed himself saving a tiny, defenceless baby bird on his front porch. What news could be better than that?