The Daily Telegraph Has Exposed Bill Shorten’s Terrible Secret: He’s Actually A Mushroom

The Daily Telegraph cops a lot of flak from the naysayers. Whether it’s keeping us safe from the terrorist threat of the ABC or talking up Sydney’s go-getter property market, there’s always a bunch of whingers ready to have a sook about the Tele‘s good work. “You got all the facts in that story wrong!” “Your front pages contribute to a culture of racial tension and mistrust!” “You’ve been giving Tony Abbott an editorial foot massage since 2009!” Keep it up, haters! No one can hear you over the waaahmbulance I just called on your butts.

But even the paper’s most hardened critics have fallen silent since the latest issue hit newsstands. In a stunning exclusive, the Tele has revealed the shocking truth the powers-that-be have kept quiet for so long; Opposition Leader Bill Shorten is a sentient mushroom.

Dear God. It’s been staring us in the face this whole time.

Inside, the Tele digs further into this unparalleled revelation, exposing Shorten’s true political masters in the shadowy world of Big Mushroom and labelling him, hand to God, “The Worker’s Champignon”.

The Royal Commission into trade union corruption may not have found a smoking gun in its stated area of investigations, but Shorten’s exposure as a fleshy, spore-bearing fungus that can be integrated into a wide range of delicious recipes is likely to severely damage his standing among voters. Whether the Labor Party chooses to stick it out with Shorten or seek an alternative leader who wasn’t cultivated to maturity in a shady, well-watered forest grove remains to be seen, but the nation is forever in the Telegraph‘s debt for shining a light on this cover-up. Much like mushrooms, dishonesty and corruption are notoriously averse to sunlight.