Culture

In Defence Of The Scientific Largeness Of Knickers, The Big Cow

No, The Big Cow Is Actually Very Big -- It's Just Your Mind That Is Small

by Patrick Lenton  29 November 2018
Big Cow

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Yesterday, the internet was agog at the sheer size of a local cow. We were just bananas for the massive heft of the famously big cow, and rightly so! But, because humanity loves to tear down its golden idols, cut to size its tall poppies, today they are trying to milkshake duck the big cow.

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The Internet Is Going Wild For Knickers, The Very Large Cow

How very dare.

There was always going to be some joyless asshole who looks at other people’s innocent pleasure in the otherworldly size of this absolute beef unit, and is filled with grinch-like spite. There was always going to be swarms of people rushing to ruin the big cow online, simply because they can.

Are we not allowed to take joy in the idea of a steer so immense that we are no longer allowed to eat it?

The Washington Post came bulling into the discourse with an article entitled ‘Meet Knickers, the giant cow that is neither a cow or a giant’, leading with the bold statement that “the big cow is a lie”.

Their argument is mostly about pedantics: “it’s not a cow, it’s a steer” they cry, as if gender isn’t a construct. “It’s an old cow, and its surrounded by babies!”

They get an expert in animal breeding and genomics to come in and say: “This story needs some perspective”.

But honestly, it doesn’t really.

Once you get past all the smoke and mirrors of their argument, they still basically have to settle on the fact that Knickers the big cow, is undeniably big.

“In other words, Knickers is a large specimen, but he looks larger because he’s standing among a herd of Danny DeVitos, not a herd of Arnold Schwarzeneggers,” they admit. They haven’t milkshake ducked the cow, they’ve attempted to milkshake duck the idea of PERSPECTIVE itself, using the cast members of the film Twins.

And sure, that’s a worthy goal — perspective is just your eyes lying to you after all. Also, the Earth is flat.

They also approach a lizard scientist for comment, who literally answers that he “wouldn’t want to speculate outside of his realm of expertise.”

I mean, let’s look at the facts:

According to PerthNow, Knickers the Holstein Friesian steer stands 1.94m tall (6’4) and weighs 1.4 tonnes. That is big! It is worth celebrating! When’s the last time you say a bigger cow? Probably never.

The cow is undeniably large. For some reason, people keep measuring it in basketball players, but whatever. It is large and inexorable, and personally, I hope all cows become this large and magnificent and stroll down our city streets as our new benevolent overlords.

It might not be the biggest cow in the world, it might even be surrounded by little ones — but it is big. You know what’s small? Not enjoying the cow.