Red Dead Redemption 2 Is Set To Be Incredible, Because Of Horse Balls
Red Dead Redemption is a masterpiece, filled to the brim with beautiful, unforgettable moments. Red Dead Redemption 2 will blow it out of the water. How do I know this? Balls. Horse balls, specifically. Equus caballus…testicles.
I will explain, but first — let’s take a trip back to the first Red Dead, and the greatest moments, ever.
We can get the best one out of the way first, yeah? Cool. Riding into Mexico for the first time to Jose Gonzales’ Far Way.
Done. Hands down, that’s the best bit. Don’t @ me.
But then there is:
Just before the bad dude throws himself off the cliff. I remember thinking “oh, video game writing can be good”.
Also: hunting bears.
— Mark Serrels (@Serrels) September 26, 2018
Definitely John riding back to his family while Compass plays; https://t.co/BgEypKGXFA
So much emotion in that song and you really feel it as you finally ride home.
— Marco Lazic (@mlazic) September 26, 2018
Using dead eye targeting to throw sticks of dynamite at birds in the sky which essentially turned them into heat seeking missiles.
— Nathan Cocks (@ElPrezAU) September 26, 2018
Idk if it’s my favourite, but a stand out moment as a teenager was when you are riding along side by side with someone into Armadillo from the McFarlane ranch, there’s a bunch of people hanging someone off the tree near the cliffs. The sunset behind it was oddly beautiful.
— brendyne (@InfinityMo) September 26, 2018
“Beautiful” is undoubtedly the most common way you’ll hear the original Red Dead described by anyone who played it. For a game featuring mass murder, animal slaughter and cannibalism, that’s a hell of an achievement. It’s also an indication of just how detailed the visuals will be in the second instalment in the series – a full eight years later.
The official gameplay gave us clues as to how jaw-droppingly stunning RDR2 will be.
But nothing quite prepared the world for the kind of pure joy you can only experience when witnessing rendered, temperature-triggered retractable horse scrotes.
According to Rockstar Intel, this is exactly what we’ll be getting. As you travel through different seasons and regions on your trusty steed, he will, er, react accordingly. Snowing? They’ll shrink. Sweltering hot day? Okay, we’ll leave it there.
I’m going to be controversial here and say we don’t really need super-realistic horse testicles in Red Dead Redemption 2. But like a musician requesting every green skittle be removed from the bowl in the green room, knowing this level of care has been considered fills me with a calm reassurance. A deep comfort that the rest of the game will be so gorgeous, so exquisite, so explicitly detailed that the week of leave I’m taking to play it will be absolutely worth it.
And I’m not the only one.
Red Dead Redemption 2 is apparently going to have such realistic horses that their balls will shrink according to temperature.
Say no more, I’m sold.
— Mander (@plssendsnacks) September 24, 2018
Red Dead Redemption 2 has horse balls that react to the environment this will be the best game ever
— big pete (@AhmadComplains) September 26, 2018
THEM: video games are some of the most elevated forms of storytelling, and the character development is heightened by their mutability
ME: in red dead redemption 2 they programmed your horse’s balls to shrink in the cold
— nobody (@natalietchang) September 21, 2018
You see if the horse balls are this perfect — what’s the sky at sunset going to look like? Will my hair glisten at the dawn? The blades of grass sparkle with dew, gently swishing to one side, and the other, as I climb the hill to overlook the world Rockstar has lovingly created for me to explore?
In advance of the October 26 release: thank you, Red Dead Redemption 2. Thank you for your horse balls, and everything they stand for.