Culture

Behold The Apple Watch: A $14,000 Piece Of Solid Gold, Deeply Unnecessary Wank

It's not even waterproof.

by Meg Watson  10 March 2015

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Do you have a stiff back from spending the night Scrooge McDucking your way through millions of dollars worth of gold bullion?

Is the onerous motion of lifting your phone to your face posing unfathomable strain on your already significantly weakened wrist?

Do you sometimes wish that an omnipresent and obnoxious voice would constantly berate you for sitting too long or just generally living your life in the wrong way?

If you answered yes to any of these, you’re in luck! Details of the hugely-anticipated Apple Watch were released at an event this morning, and it, just like you, is certifiably the worst.

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The Apple “I Now Store My Life Savings On My Wrist” Watch

Though the tech giant let it slip last year that an Apple Watch was in the works, this is our very first look at what it will actually be. Apple announced the details  this morning in their distinctive gospel style, and there will be three distinct styles.

The Apple Watch Sport is the cheapest least likely to send you into bankruptcy, starting at $499 — although it does look like the lovechild of a Baby G and a Tamigotchi. The standard Apple Watch comes in 20 different styles and starts out at $799.

And then there’s the Apple Watch Edition: a wad of 18-karat rose gold and sapphire crystal glass that will set you back a cool $14,000.

Each watch will feature the same operating system currently running in your iPhone, and offers many of the same functions. You can send and receive messages (and calls, if that’s a thing that anyone does anymore); you can get notifications from social media and email; and you can have all your apps sitting smugly on your wrist all day, lightly taunting you with the fact you could always be doing things slightly better.

One such thing is the new Workout app which comes pre-installed on all devices. With this, the watch tracks your pulse rate, your movement and GPS location to determine your overall fitness and suggest changes in your behaviour. It’s basically like having a personal trainer who follows you around all day and always knows you’re lying.

stand

“Hey jerkface, you suck.”

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But Wait, There’s More!

Because every Apple keynote is basically a less generous version of Oprah, they always surprise you with a few things at once. As such, this morning’s announcement also featured a new MacBook — and the second trailer for season five of Game Of Thrones.

This comes as a result of a deal signed with HBO, promising Apple TV exclusive rights to the cable network’s new streaming service, HBO Now, with a three-month exclusivity agreement. The service will launch next month in the US, for just $14.99 per month; a move which will ensure cheaper and easier access to hallmark shows like GoT, unless you don’t have an Apple, in which case you’re sticking to cable.

Predictably, this has little to no effect on us in Australia with no official plans to expand down under. If the timeline for Netflix is anything to go by, we’ll probably be getting it in 2033.

To console you, here’s a deeply pornographic Chet Faker-backed preview of the new MacBook.

It weighs less than 1kg and is nearly one quarter thinner than the MacBook Air, meaning you may in fact crush while writing an enthusiastic all caps Youtube comment. Although, at $1,799, that wouldn’t be quite as tragic as accidentally getting in the shower with your $14,000 Apple watch. Did I mention they’re not waterproof? Yeah. That’s a thing.

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Or You Could Just Not…

Look, this is all very impressive. It really is. But as a rule, you should never buy the first version of anything. They’re often unreasonably expensive, have a bunch of kinks that haven’t quite been figured out yet, and you always end up looking like those douchebag ’80s businessmen who drove around in convertibles showing off the first mobile phones. Or a Google Glasshole.

glass

you IRL

Also, if a watch costs $14,000, you should probably avoid buying it on principle alone. With that money you could sponsor four children in Mongolia for the entire course of their natural born lives or buy 186 goats for a Ugandan village. You could buy a Rolex — a watch of much more proven quality — for each member of your immediate family, or purchase 28,000 McDonalds soft serves.

And really, why would you buy something that makes everyone in your life roll their eyes at you when you can have a lifetime supply of ice cream and this:

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The Apple Watch collection is available for pre-order on April 10. It will be in stores from April 24.