Ho Ho Ho: A History Of People Singing About Wanting To Smash Santa
We’re nearing the end of the year, and well into the season to be jolly. Trees are being trimmed, gifts wrapped, and stockings hung up — or, in some cases, pulled down. Santa Claus is coming, and he isn’t the only one.
There are few things upon this bright, blessed Earth that human filthmongers will not try to bone, and iconic symbols of Christmas spirit are no exception. I’m not talking about donning a little red velvet and faux fur trimming for some cheeky holiday cheer. I’m talking about visiting the one and only Daddy Christmas’ North Pole.
The desire to sit in Santa’s lap is common enough that there is even a term for it — Santaphillia. According to Dr Kate Lister, curator of historical sexuality research project Whores of Yore, “The appeal of Santa is thought to stem from his dual role as caregiver and disciplinarian – he is the ultimate ‘daddy’ figure and a polar bear to boot. Santa knows if you’ve been naughty and will punish you accordingly.”
Ugghhhh!!! As if life isn’t hard enough I’ve now got to deal with the fact that Kurt Russell has made me want to have sex with Santa. pic.twitter.com/VVZOGqXzZW
— Rachel Fairburn (@RachelFairburn) December 3, 2018
When I started this endeavour, I thought I’d end up with a relatively tame list. ‘I Caught Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’, The Santa Clause 2, that Fashion Santa that went viral a few years back. The collective thirst surrounding Kurt Russell in The Christmas Chronicles.
What I uncovered instead was a wealth of volunteers eager to suck on St Nick’s mistletoes. In fact, there were so many that I had to restrict my list to songs, and then further to songs that were unequivocally about riding Santa’s sleigh in particular.
So, as my Christmas gift to you, here is a brief musical history of people wanting to bang Santa.
‘Christmas Spirits’ By Julia Lee And Her Boyfriends (1947)
“Santa Santa Santa, you’re all through work on Christmas Day / I could go for your long… whiskers, you might drop by and plan to stay”
A lot of people are lonely at Christmas, but few are so lonely they resort to propositioning Father Christmas via blues music. Looking to add good ol’ St Nick to her collection of boyfriends, Lee kicks off our musical advent calendar of Santa screwing with a plea for him to deliver her his long “whiskers” once he’s done delivering other gifts. That’s about as subtle as this list is gonna get.
‘Santa Baby’ By Eartha Kitt (1953)
“Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring / I don’t mean on the phone / Santa baby, so hurry down my chimney tonight”
‘Santa Baby’ is what you think about when you think about banging Santa. Sung from the point of view of the fat man in red’s sugar baby, Kitt lavishes her gingerbread man with affection while coyly purring requests for expensive gifts in return. After all, she’s “been an awful good girl”.
Though the lyrics of ‘Santa Baby’ aren’t explicit, the seminal Christmas song is so charged with Santa-sexual energy that Michael Bublé’s tiring 2011 cover aggressively no-homoed by changing most instances of “baby” to “buddy”. Just say you’re hot for Santa and go.
‘Come On Santa, Let’s Have A Ball’ By Kay Martin And Her Body Guards (1962)
“Oh Santa, please don’t stop”
This ditty sounds like When Harry Met Sally’s “I’ll have what she’s having” scene, but with Santa and set to music. By the end it devolves into straight up moaning. I would not put this on my Christmas party Spotify playlist.
‘Come On Santa, Let’s Have A Ball’ is Kay Martin And Her Body Guards’ most clear-cut contribution to the horny-for-Santa genre, but their sexy Christmas album contains a plethora of lustful yuletide songs. In ‘Santa’s Doing The Horizontal Twist’ Martin discovers her lover wasn’t St Nick at all, while ‘The Girls Were All Happy’ keeps the fantastical nature of the fat brothel patron implicit. ‘Santa’s Going To Be Late Tonight’ is unambiguously about Mr Claus, though it’s spoken rather than sung.
That’s a lot of songs about Santa’s toy shop from one musical act.
‘Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin’’ By Albert King (1974)
“Mama in the kitchen cookin’ / And the children upstairs asleep / It’s time for ol’ Santa Claus / To make his midnight creep”
I wonder what would happen if Father Christmas got someone pregnant. He’s only around for one night of the year, so he’d be long gone by the time you took a pregnancy test. You could send a letter, but he can’t pay child support. The North Pole doesn’t have currency.
Anyway, here’s a song about St Nick looking to empty his sack. Strictly it’s more about Santa wanting to bang than others wanting to bang him, and can easily be read as a metaphor, but I had to include it. Bill Murray also performed a cover in 2015, in which George Clooney repeatedly pops out from behind a Christmas tree to deliver the title lyric.
‘My Baby Santa Claus’ By A.S.A.P. (1990)
“Now my lover is Santa Claus / My baby Santa Claus / Flyin’ from the North Pole keepin’ me warm”
This synthy ‘80s-style pop song was only released in Japan, which means the rest of the world missed out on the upbeat declaration of devotion to St Nick. A.S.A.P.’s song is actually an English cover of ‘Koibito Ga Santa Claus’, originally performed in 1980 by popular Japanese singer Yumi Matsutoya. An English trance cover was also released in 2003 by Cyber X featuring Jody Watley, entitled ‘My Love Santa Claus’.
It’s good to know that the desire for a hard candy caning transcends both time and culture.
‘I’ve Got Some Presents For Santa’ By Sarah Taylor And Bill Mumy (1994)
“I’ve got some presents for Santa / And he’s got a big one for me / Outside, it snows / I take off all my clothes / And wait for Santa underneath my tree”
This is the horniest Christmas song I have ever put in my ears. It dips into a level of graphic description that should be reserved for pornography and James Joyce’s letters to his wife. I felt like I’d done something wrong just by hearing it. When sultry Taylor offers Santa her “cookies”, it’s clear she doesn’t actually mean baked goods.
If you are going to listen to this tune, please do so away from children, and use headphones. Preferably behind closed doors.
‘Minnie And Santa’ By Cyndi Lauper (1998)
“When I asked ‘What you doing this evening?’ / Minnie took on a seasonal glow / She said she’d be waiting for Santa / She’d be wearing a bright red bow”
Even if Father Christmas could pay child support, he’d be a bad parent. He works all the time, and never leaves the North Pole except on Christmas Eve. I can’t imagine he’d take a break from overseeing toymaking to help his kid with their homework. He’d probably consider it nepotism, since he belongs to all children.
That isn’t a problem Minnie has to worry about in this pop song. After Lauper’s former co-worker expresses her desire for Santa to deck her halls, he takes her back to the North Pole with him and presumably lets it snow. Eloping to another country with a celebrity you’ve just met seems rather rash, but some people will do anything for that eggnog.
‘Shimmy Down The Chimney’ By Alison Krauss (2004)
“I want you, shimmy down the chimney, baby / I want you, fill up my stocking”
Even easy listening country singers want to pull St Nick’s Christmas cracker. The only thing in Santa’s sleigh that interests Krauss is the big man himself, but she knows he is busy working. Thus, she proposes a compromise, saying she’d be fine with “just a night” — at least to start.
But Santa cannot be swayed from his higher Christmas calling, and he leaves Krauss with her fruitcake sans custard. This is the only tune I found in which Santa chose not to unwrap his present, which is a bit sad. Krauss’ own song, and he won’t jingle her bells.
‘Santa’s My Boyfriend’ By Saturday Night Live (2006)
“He knows if I’ve been bad or good / But when I’m naughty, he thinks it’s nice”
This one is both skit and song, as Saturday Night Live is known to do. Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph and Kristin Wiig perform a comedic doo-wop tune in which all three of them claim to be Santa’s Christmas pudding.
Unlike other tunes that are carnally concerned with Mr Claus, the group specifically addresses the matter of Mrs Claus, as Santa has assured them he’s going to leave her. Apparently Santa is a fuckboi.
Can we all agree that although Santa and Mrs. Clause are very happy, Santa definitely has a few girlfriends?
— Marissa Beckham🍎🚕🗽 (@Your_MarissaB) November 30, 2018
These are by no means all the songs about kissing Kringle. Bo Carter’s 1938 dirty blues song ‘Santa Claus’ is intended to be a euphemism, but sounds like he’s asking his partner permission for Santa to go to town (“Baby, please let ol’ Santy Claus come down the chimney to me tonight / ‘Cause I b’lieve what you Santy Claus bring me — hoo! — will just suit my own appetite”).
Then there are songs from the perspective of the little boys that Santa Claus forgot, such as The Maine’s 2008 song ‘Santa Stole My Girlfriend’ (“She ran away four months ago / Left with his sleigh for the north pole”) and 2010’s ‘Santa Stole My Lady’ by Fitz and the Tantrums (“Oh, I wasn’t dreaming, can’t believe / I woke up to my woman kissing Santa, not me”).
The desire to top Santa’s tree has been recorded in numerous iterations and genres, uniting people from all walks of life in Santa lust and fostering peace on Earth and goodwill among men. On this silent night, there’s something for everyone dreaming of a white Christmas.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a very good night.