‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 3 Recap: The Rise Of Tragic Mike
Just keep dancin'. Just keep dancin'.
Last week, I tried to watch the first episode of The Bachelorette Season 4: It’s OK To Be White. I made it about 15 minutes before I could bare it no longer. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not above reality television. But If I wanted to see that many Gold Coast real estate agents compete for attention I’d go see Manpower.
In the quarter-hour I gave it, Bachelorette Ali’s season premiere had blatant transphobia, toxic masculinity and absolutely no diversity. On the lack of diversity, I suspect it’s not the producers’ fault. Maybe no men of colour, men living with disability or men who aren’t pure garbage auditioned.
So when Junkee asked me to recap last night’s episode, I was hesitant. Then I remembered my tax bill, so here we are.
Before the show starts, Osher Gunsberg’s dulcet tones recap last week’s episodes and do things to me sexually. He asks, “Will the wild rose make an appearance?” and not knowing what that means I assume he’s either referring to Kylie Minogue or Ali’s vagina.
It begins with the men hanging out in their mansion, pretending they’re not dead inside. Peroxide Paddy (not his real name), is talking about how tall drink of clueless Ivan danced on the red carpet. And, let me tell you, he’s not having a bar of Ivan’s Billy Elliot bullshit. “I don’t think I’d ever dance to impress a girl,” says Paddy. “I’d probably leave that to the bedroom.” Just FYI, this is Paddy, who is going to impress you, in the bedroom:
Osher enters. “I know you’ve only been in the mansion for a short while but I’m sure you’ve figured out by now that time alone with Ali is what this is all about.” I personally hope they figured this out before they applied to be on a show specifically about trying to get time alone with Ali.
Cut to contestant Jules, who has hair that will haunt my dreams. Jules is a Former Infantry Corporal, which I assume is a military ranking or his level in ‘World of Warcraft’. Jules definitely understood the basic premise of the show before he signed his life over to it. “Of course we want time with Ali! I’m not here to get a tan and workout and chase alpacas.” Cut to some alpacas.
Throughout the episode I grow quite fond of Jules who, although not blessed of hair, appears to be the only man present who appreciates irony and isn’t jacked on roids.
Moving along, someone named Robert gets a single date with Ali and someone named Charlie is genuinely angry that someone other than him gets a date, entirely misunderstanding the show he is voluntarily on.
The date begins and Ali’s on a boat. Robert is standing on a wharf wearing pleather.
The boat goes really fast and Robert “can’t believe this is really happening.” Robert, dude, you can go to Manly from Circular Quay any day of the week for like $7.50. Aim higher.
They go to Cockatoo Island and Ali explains that they’re going to paint problems in their previous relationships onto giant canvases, as if that’s a reasonable thing for two near-strangers to do on television.
They paint the canvases with the words FALLING FAST, NAIVE, COMMUNICATION and MANIPULATED. I bemoan the conjugation inconsistency and pray one of them writes BLOODLUST. Ali tells Robert their words have “a lot in common,” which is true in that they are all words.
Ali and Robert get in a dune buggy and I get the song ‘Dune Buggy’ by Presidents of the U.S.A in my head. They drive through the weird feelings canvases so they’ll “never have these problems in their future” which totally works because of science.
They pash.
Back at the frat house, the men are doing manly things because they’re men. Except for Ivan, who is dancing. Now, I’ve done enough rock eisteddfods in my time to know star quality when I see it, plus he’s got amazing dancing bitch face (dbf). The cameras keep cutting back to him popping and locking, and I thank the Lord Channing Tatum for TV editors.
Ali and Robert are now on a couch next to a cheese platter neither of them would dare touch. Ali tells Robert she’s made apricot relish out of the bottle of HIS NONNO’S HOMEMADE TOMATO PASSATA that he gave her on the red carpet and, amazingly, he doesn’t throw it at her.
Switch to the mansion and OMG THERE ARE ACTUALLY ALPACAS! THERE I THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE!
The edit bounces back and forth between Ali and Robert kissing and the alpacas for a solid minute and it is heaven. Ali says she’s in trouble because even though she drove a dune buggy through the words ‘falling fast’, she’s doing just that. I get it, Ali. I fell fast for a falafel roll today.
Ali, evidently quite the thirst-haver, grabs Robert’s face and they make out.
Suddenly the (insanely ripped) men are dressed as Gladiators in a scene that can only be described as Ken doll muck up day. “I can feel the testosterone in the air,” says Ali, but I imagine that’s pollution.
They compete for alone time with Ali through a series of beautifully humiliating challenges, and Ivan wins. He does a victory dance, and soon he and Ali are on a couch in front of yet another wasted cheese plate. He tells her he’s a tradie, but his dream is to be in a Step Up or Magic Mike movie. I yell “IVANNING TATUM” at the TV and my cat runs away.
Ali is barely choking back laughter, but manages to ask him if he wants kids. He says he wants five and you can almost see her thighs clenching. He goes on to NAME THE GENDER ORDER he wants: boy, girl, boy, girl, boy. As the date winds up, Ali’s decision to friendzone Ivan is obvious to everyone but Ivan, and I consider adopting him instead of a labrador.
It’s time for the cocktail party, and the rest of the show focuses on two things: Charlie being a big sooky baby and Ivan’s complete inability to read a room.
Sooky Charlie is angry at contestant Bill for trying to win the Gladiator competition, and for trying to win The Bachelorette, also a competition. “It’s clear Bill’s just in it for himself,” says Charlie, seemingly unaware that this is the literal definition of competition.
Meanwhile, Ivan has planned a surprise for Ali, and I bet you can’t guess what it is. When he emerges from the mansion in a tank top and backwards cap, I yell “TRAGIC MIKE” at the TV and my cat runs back in.
Bill cuts Ivan’s dance grass, taking Ali away for a chat, and Charlie seethes with man-rage again. Ali whispers “Ivan’s in a singlet,” and the editors work their magic once more with feeling.
It’s finally time for Ivan’s recital and he bumps and grinds to a song Channel Ten could afford the rights to. I text “TEAM IVAN” to a fellow recapper and she says, “I can’t believe we ever liked the same man.”
Ali pretends to enjoy what’s happening in front of her eyes and you can almost see the moment she realises she can’t send him home this week.
Oh, thank fuck, it’s rose ceremony time. Charlie is still sore about Bill playing the game he’s there to play. Bill could not give one single fuck about Charlie, which makes me like Bill a bit, even though he’s clearly garbage.
Ali starts calling out names of men I’ve honestly never seen before and I wonder if they’re like seat fillers at the Oscars. Ivan is worried he might not get a rose, despite having done a concert for her like a child at a family BBQ. When she begrudgingly says his name, he dances over to her, oblivious to her now outright loathing.
A guy with a man-bun and a different guy with tattoos get sent home. Charlie thinks it should have been Bill. “I’m screaming internally,” he says. Me too, Charlie. Me too.
Nadine von Cohen is a Sydney-based writer. She can usually be found on Twitter, swearing in capitals and refusing to punctuate.