All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 6 Of ‘Bachelor In Paradise’
Apparently nobody knows what a "boat" is.
Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of Bachelor In Paradise, where we watch episodes of Bachelor In Paradise and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.
G’day everyone! Welcome to another week of life. I know everything is quite bad and depressing out there in the world, but at least we live in a time where we have the Internet, and that allows us to join here each week to make fun of heterosexuals together! And I think that is beautiful.
Imagine what this all would have been like in the olden days. You would have to wait weeks for a letter from a friend in the next town telling you about the scandal where Philip purchased a horse for Rosemary instead of Edith or whatever they got up to. Terrible and boring.
No, we have the privilege of the Internet, and this week, we also have the “privilege” of the show changing nights yet again. But along with this, they have decided to air FOUR episodes this week.
If you don’t know, a normal human week on earth is 7 days long. That means 7 nights. The show is airing on 4 of those nights. Out of 7. I am terrible at maths and I think it is homophobic, but even I can tell that 4 out of 7 is simply too many nights.
I know a lot of people don’t have that much stuff on at the moment, but good lord we are still ALIVE and BREATHING. We still have other LIVES and INTERESTS. Some of us might want to NAP on a Tuesday night before going to BED two hours LATER. For example. Anyway this is the hand we have been dealt, and thusly, we will deal with it. And to be honest, I am just thrilled to have a hand near me at all.
I did watch Sunday night’s episode as well as tonight’s, but let’s be real, in Bachelor in Paradise land it is all about what has happened most recently, so tonight’s ep will be the main focus. Last night I dreamed about Bachelor in Paradise all night, I think i’m losing the plot already! Let’s get to it!
I am SO annoyed at Ciarran. But it’s partly because I am equally annoyed at myself. I was a fan of him on The Bachelorette, I think largely due to the fact that he isn’t your typical meathead straight guy. I saw a bit of campness, a bit of non-toxic masculinity, and I got sucked into it. I am usually much more cynical about straight men, but I really put aside my pessimism in order to embrace both him.
I don’t know why, maybe I was hit on the head by a piano.
Anyway look how my unbelievably generous kindness is repaid!! Ciarran has showed his true colours. And those colours are “Austin Powers Tiger King” and “dipshit”.
He has jumped around into bed after bed of women on the island, which is absolutely fine (#sexpositive) if you are being honest and not fucking around those women. In last night’s episode Jess became wary when Ciarran fell asleep in Renee’s bed, and in this episode, she was concerned when new arrival Kiki showed up. This is partly because Ciarran and Kiki had apparently hooked up in the outside world mere days before the show began.
Do all people in the Bachelor universe only date people from the Bachelor universe? How do they meet? Is there some kind of secret bar they all go to? A specialised app? Show it to me.
Anyway Kiki arrived and immediately took Ciarran on a single date, and Jess was left behind feeling concerned, but felt that her and Ciarran had a connection, and that she trusted him. Unfortunately, this was horrendously misplaced, and she suffered the same fate as many women who have come before her.
Ciarran’s behaviour was actually pretty cruel. He acted one way with Jess, told her what she wanted to hear, gave her affection and connection, and then as soon as he got back from the date and she wanted to talk to him about it – he turned really defensive, and cold, like they had never even hooked up. She called him ‘robotic’. Beep Boop Innit.
This sort of thing seems to be a running theme on this show/in life generally, where the men hook up with the women, act like there is a connection, act romantically toward them, act like they are together and something special is happening, and then ditch them for the next woman that comes along.
Then they act confused and weirded out if the woman is upset, and probably call her crazy to anyone who will listen. This hasn’t happened to me but I can relate, it’s sort of like having a cat that acts really affectionate and then the next time acts like you are deranged if you expect to cuddle. Anyway, Ciarran needs to get a grip, and Jess and I are both left the episode feeling emotional about the onslaught of heterosexual nonsense we’d just been subjected to.
I don’t know who Keira is, where she’s from, what she did, as long as she loves me.
Just kidding about the last one. I have never laid eyes on her before, and I hope I don’t have to for very long. Keira is a classic ‘here to be the show villain’ person, and she’s definitely playing it up. Unfortunately I think to be a good villain you need to be a combination of funny, charming, or cutting, and so far she just isn’t bringing it hard enough in any of those areas.
She is too broad and too mean and too obvious, and she reminds me of an aunt who is drinking too many cocktails in the afternoon on a Tuesday because she is going through an ugly divorce and ‘deserves it’.
Not for nothing, she also looks exactly like someone that would be hired to be on Sunrise, and i’m over it. I have seen enough white blonde women to last a lifetime. I don’t want to be reminded of Samantha Armytage every time I turn on the television. Next!
We haven’t really been given any info about Kiki besides the fact that she just wanted to get to Ciarran, and was keen to push aside any woman who gets in her way. Which look, okay. All of the women on this show ignore the warnings from other women about the men, and it happens in life as well, and you just have to learn to live with it and write out your irritation in recaps every week. That’s fine, but unfortunately I just can’t stand to watch someone fawn over Ciarran and make his ego even bigger.
There is nothing worse than watching an unjustly arrogant man be rewarded. If I got to choose a superpower it would be to be able to suck confidence and arrogance from men who have done nothing to deserve it and funnel it into amazing women who should be confident, but aren’t.
So I found the heterosexual nonsense between Kiki and Ciarran very annoying, however they did give us one great moment. While on their date they walked up to a pier and Kiki said ‘Is that a boat?’ and Ciarran said ‘I’ve got no idea’ and then we saw what they were looking at.
Yes, that’s a boat.
BRITTNEY MUST BE PROTECTED AT ALL COSTS.
Jamie dealt her yet another blow last episode, but I am hopeful that she will stick up for herself in the coming days. She is an absolute delight, she makes me laugh constantly, and she seems like the sweetest person alive. Also she gave us a very funny moment when she asked for a “floatie device so I can lay on it” and selected a round ball, and proceeded to fall onto it, immediately bouncing off.
Just to prove I don’t actually hate men and have some hope left in my heart for them as a species, Conor has made my least annoying list. So far he seems like a sweet summer square-jawed angel, and I really like that he’s been nice to both Brittney and Mary.
Unfortunately he is in the ‘real estate’ business, which means he’s probably a landlord and will have to be eaten in the revolution, but for now he can stay. Mary was very nervous to tell him that she is a single mum, and he was very nice about it. I realise the bar for men is so incredibly low that it may as well not even exist, but I am feeling generous.
Also, watching Mary get ready for their date compared to him getting ready for their date made me really relate to him, as the person who usually just puts on a t-shirt and is done. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, am I right?
Yet again, Niranga is on the list. He does not get enough screen time, and never has. Give us more Niranga! Even though he was only on screen for a short amount of time, he made a huge impact, just like Judi Dench winning an Oscar for Shakespeare in Love even though she was on screen for 8 minutes.
Keira came to the cocktail party before the vote obviously trying to gee up some sympathy for the fact she might be going home and to have someone offer to help her stay. She went up to Niranga and said “aww i’m gonna miss all of you guys if I go home tonight!” and Niranga, who seemed surprised by her claim (probably because she is mean) said “oh, will you?” and then followed it with “We’ll catch up on the outside of this if you do.” She was taken aback, and it was perfection.
Also he looked very cute at the rose ceremony even though he was dressed like he works at Rebel Sport.
NEVER TO ANNOY ME AGAIN
Unfortunately Jess got sent home tonight, which is sad because she never got to shit in Ciarran’s hat as revenge. But it’s probably nicer than watching him sleaze up with other women I suppose! Life is just and fair and cool! I wish her well. Also going tonight is Helena, which is actually a bit sad.
She is very beautiful and has a cool voice like Helen Hunt or something. Oh well, goodbye Helena!
And goodbye to all of you, my beloved readers. Thank you for your commitment in reading these recaps, it means a lot to me, because if you didn’t read them I would be really reconsidering my life choices.
Patrick will be with you on Wednesday night, recapping the two episodes after these two episodes, making up four episodes, in one week. Which is normal and good and healthy. Stay safe out there.
Junkee will recap every SECOND episode of Bachelor In Paradise, because they are idiots.
Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch