An Exclusive And Very Real Copy Of The New “Australian Values” Citizenship Test
This week the Turnbull government announced a raft of changes to our immigration laws which it hopes will put “Australians first” in the job market.
The changes include replacing the current 457 skilled migrant visa with a new, allegedly more restrictive option, as well as a revamped “values-based” citizenship test with an English language component for people wishing to become Australian citizens. The idea of strict “Australian values” has confused many, including Australians who have lived here their whole lives.
With reports of some applicants taking the current citizenship test multiple times before passing, the government is also proposing changes that will mean applicants who fail the test three times must wait two years before being able to take it again.
Luckily, Junkee has got its hands on the answers to the test so any new applicants won’t have to wait much longer to become proud citizens of this great brown land.
Question 1: What’s the right price to pay for international goods in Australia?
A) Bloody whatever Harvey Norman asks for it.
B) Whatever the Kogan knockoff version costs.
C) Amazon/eBay price + egregious shipping – [this product is not available in your location, this may be for a number of reasons…] + cost of a US Post Box + shipping from the post box – [this seller will not ship to a PO Box] + extortionate conversion costs + GST.
D) I’m going there in six months, fuck it, I’ll buy it then (+ luggage).
Correct answer: A, unless you can get a good deal in Bali, in which case D.
Question 2: What is a plebiscite?
A) A vote to change the Australian Constitution.
B) A vote to kinda get the feel for how people feel about maybe changing the Constitution if it’s politically advantageous and Members of Parliament feel like it.
C) A great way to avoid taking decisive action on anything.
D) What’s written on the outside of the envelope, but not what’s actually in the envelope.
Correct answer: B, sadly.
Question 3: You’re at a barbecue, having what we refer to as “the BBQ conversation”. Someone asks you about the transition of Canberra employees to regional centres without any infrastructure or business planning. What is the most appropriate Australian way to answer this question?
A) For the moment, I’m getting on with the job and considering the information on the transition as it’s provided.
B) For the moment, I’m getting on with the job and considering the information on the transition as it’s provided.
C) I’m listening to what our executives have to say about the transition, but for the moment I’m getting on with the job.
D) I’ll have a Sausage and Egg McMuffin™, thanks.
Correct answer: For the moment, any of the above, as long as you’re getting on with the job.
Question 4: Australia is governed via a parliamentary system of government called the Westminster system. The Westminster system means:
A) Never having to say you’re sorry.
B) That the head of state is a largely ceremonial role, and the head of government is decided by a majority of the parliament — effectively the ruling party.
C) Spending the majority of time being annoyed about the lack of control voters really have, while simultaneously reminding people on the internet that this is how the system is supposed to work.
D) Constantly refreshing Wikipedia to make sure you’re across who the Prime Minister is for your citizenship test.
Correct answer: A.
Question 5: Australia is a multicultural country, enriched by generations of new Australians who have made the country their own, introducing new flavours to our menus and new events in our calendars. What is the correct way to enter Australia?
A) Find the queue and join the back of it. If there is no queue, perhaps stand awkwardly to the side and patiently wait to catch someone’s eye.
B) Board a ship (note: definitely not a boat) and arrive at any time up to approximately 1960.
C) Via plane, ideally after having made a significant contribution to the Labor or Liberal Party.
D) Through a birth canal.
Correct answer: Any of the above. Our friendly Border Force officers can assist you with this question if you are struggling to find the answer that applies to your situation.
Question 6: Who is Australia’s head of state?
A) Queen Elizabeth II.
B) The Governor General, Sir Peter Cosgrove.
C) No Australian has a definitive answer to this question.
D) I, the citizenship-taker, the living soul, do not consent to the terms and conditions of this land and hereby declare myself a sovereign citizen.
Correct answer: A, B or C are all equally valid. Option D is only available to current and former Senators.
Question 7: What’s the correct way to express concern about someone else’s cultural choices when it comes to clothing?
A) “I find it a fairly confronting form of attire and frankly I wish it weren’t worn.”
B) “I just don’t trust people if I can’t see their face.”
C) “Well I’ve gotta’ take my helmet off when I go into the 7/11 for a Big M so I don’t see why they should be able to bloody avoid it. It’s about safety, isn’t it?
D) “Actually in a secular society people should be free to make choices about their own attire, regardless of my own personal views.”
E) Whatever you want screamed down the aisle on any form of public transport, ideally captured on camera.
Correct answer: Any option but D. Those answering D will face immediate deportation.
Question 8: After how long can someone call themselves Australian?
A) Anyone who is an Australian citizen can call themselves Australian.
B) Any second-generation migrant can call themselves Australian.
C) Being Australian is simply about accepting Australian laws and values.
D) When people stop asking, “yes, but where are you really from?”
Correct answer: D.
Question 9: The term ‘Indigenous Australians’ refers to:
A) The Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people of Australia, Australia’s first people and the custodians of the land.
B) The people that the plaque on the front of my house acknowledges.
C) Look, probably okay people as long as they don’t get in the way of mining licences.
Correct answer: If you’d just let us repeal 18C we could actually give you the answer.
Question 10: The main language spoken in Australia is English. What is the correct response to “Sgarn’on?”
A) “I’m sorry?”
B) “Not much m8, ‘sgarn’on wi’ you?”
Correct answer: Clearly B.
Wes Mountain is a Melbourne-based cartoonist, journalist and podcaster. He shouts about politics on twitter at @therevmountain, mouthes off on Pidgin Politics and posts cartoons at This is Australia. Today.
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Feature illustration: Samuel Leighton-Dore.