I’m Losing My Sense Of Self Because Reddit Can’t Agree On What Goes In An ‘Aussie Burger’

"Where's the pineapple?"

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The opaque and indifferent world humanity occupies is beset by chaos and darkness. “What if I am the only one?” the mind, cursed by consciousness, posits in fear.

“What if every other living thing in my world is just an illusion, projected by my mind on a barren cave wall!?”

Thankfully, society manages to (sort of) survive thanks to some shared concepts humanity has almost universally agreed on. Ideas like democracy or courage bind us together on this mortal coil, straying our hands from mindless violence through the harmony and structure that radiates from shared and singular truths.

But all that’s fucked now, because Reddit can’t decide what the ingredients for an Aussie Burger are.

An innocent enough discussion that originated on the Reddit community of r/australia has reached the point where nobody can decide what the essential ingredients to the nationally beloved ‘Aussie Burger’ are. Jesus Christ, I’m spiralling.

Look team, compared to concepts like gravity or love, understanding what goes in an Aussie Burger should be simple! It goes like this:

Firstly, a beef patty serves as the core of the burger, which is adorned with lettuce (shredded iceberg please), tomato, a freshly fried egg, and a non-negotiable layer of beetroot. The bun should be something plain and unassuming (no brioche!) with a light dressing of barbeque sauce — cheese optional. Simple!

But unfortunately, I’m now questioning everything I previously knew about my empirical world because of firm suggestions that one of the core ingredients should be bacon.

“Bacon, egg, and beetroot are mandatory,” one user wrote. Bacon? On an Aussie burger? That makes about as much sense to me as putting truffles in a Caesar salad.

“Wtf is the egg doing on there though! Never seen it on an Aussie burger” another chimes in, presumably as their comfortable and familiar worldview collapses around them.

“Where’s the Pineapple?” yet another Redditor asks, and I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE!!

Maybe the source of all the confusion concerning the ingredients in an “Aussie burger” originates from its namesake. So-called Australia — hailed as a multicultural success story despite sorely lacking a treaty that respects the sovereignty of First Nations people — means a million things to its citizens. It makes perfect sense that our national burger is just as confused as our national psyche!

But even as a seemingly solid truth unravels in a fevered mess of opinions and Canadian rasher bacon, amid the chaos: there is one certainty. I’m happy to report that almost everybody universally agrees that beetroot is a mandatory part of the Aussie burger.

“Beetroot is MANDATORY,” users shouted out, a rallying cry that warmed my bones in a manner akin to Aargon’s climactic monologue in Lord Of The Rings: Return of the King.

Maybe this certainty should be the foundations of a shared new world — one we built with the understanding that Aussie burgers might occasionally include cheese and grilled onion, but never, ever, contain pineapple.